the foxy file: "this is my battalion of truth, every letter, every key"

Joyology!

2011-04-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

Here's what I've been up to, to keep myself happy (and let's face it...to procrastinate):

"There's a fear about leaving here,

and the devil you will find, but

if love, if love is all that ever

was, There'll be peace on the other

side. Years go fast, live each day

like it's the last. Me, I'll go out dancing

cause when we die, I know I'm gonna fly

into an angel's hands. You are loved. You

are loved. You are loved."

-"When we Die" by Jason Mraz

Basic Photo: Finding My Inner Photographer

2010-12-15T18:26:00.000-08:00

"There is only you and your camera. The limitations in your photography are in yourself, for what we see is what we are.”

-Ernst Haas

Here is what I ended up with on my first journey behind the lens and in the dark room.
*Disclaimer: the film is grainy because we used a 200 ASA/ISO for 400 ASA/ISO film. The scanner only enhanced their graininess. What I'm trying to say is they look better in person.

Final ten photographs:

Alexa Playing the Guitar, 2010

Roxy Playing the Ukulele, 2010

John's Drum Set, 2010

John Playing the Drums, 2010

He Never Asked, For He Would Never Admit Defeat, 2010

Portrait of John, 2010

Fragmentation, 2010

Flowers At Sunset, 2010

Good Morning Coffee, 2010

To Have And To Hold, 2010

Bonus Photographs:

Roxy Playing the Guitar, 2010

Fingers On Fret, 2010

Casting Light, 2010

Epiphany!

2010-10-07T17:16:00.000-07:00

Most of you know the trials and tribulations of my first month back at Marist, so I won't bore or depress anyone with the details, but I'm just writing to say, I'm done! I've been a fool. I've taken my blinders off and I can see! Whatever comes my way, both the good and the bad, is PERFECT. Whether things are hard or not, my life is the way it is, and is perfectly unfolding, leading me soon to the next moment of Joy where I will realize--"Aha! that is why this happened, so I could be here--at this wonderful place in my life."

I only have this one and only life. I choose joy. I choose positivity. The rest will resolve and everything will fall into place.

To Empathize is to Civilize, To Civilize is to Empathize

2010-09-17T11:09:00.000-07:00

This IS our future. This IS Human nature. Watch and don't let society, government, parents, education and culture tell you any different.

Very cool-

2010-08-22T21:32:00.001-07:00

The association of images to words, and words to words:

I LOVE Songs Like THIS!

2010-08-22T20:44:00.000-07:00

Ian Axel – This is The New Year

Another year you made a promise
another chance to turn it all around
and do not save this for tomorow
embrace the past and you can live for now
and I will give the world to you

Speak louder that the words before you
and give them meaning no one else has found
The role we play is so important
we are the voices of the undergroud
and I would give the world to you

Say everything you’ve always wanted,
be not afraid of who you really are,
cause in the end we have each other,
and thats at least one thing worth living for,
and I would give the world to you

A million suns that shine upon me
A million eyes you are the brightest blue
Lets tear the walls down that divide us
and build a statue strong enough for two,

I pass it back to you
and I will wait for you,
cause I would give the world
and I would give the world
and I would give the world to you

This is the new year
A new begining
You made a promise
You are the brightest
We are the voices
This is the new year
We are the voices
This is the new year

Unity. Love. Hope.

Want to be here!

2010-08-01T14:56:00.000-07:00

(view from thatcher park)

Cause I believe, Yes I believe that we can find the surface

2010-07-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

Hoping that everyone finds their parachutes.

Oteka

2010-07-21T16:27:00.000-07:00

Your legacy spans the globe. We will carry on your name and your message till our last breath.

One by one...

2010-07-12T05:56:00.000-07:00

One day they fell, one by courageous one, and when that happened the world lost the souls that fought for its freedom, and piece by broken piece my faith chipped away.

Sunday, at the moment Spain and the Netherlands played for the world cup three bombs exploded in Kampala, Uganda. One was under the table of an Ethiopian restaurant where my friend, Uganda's friend and the world's friend sat. (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/12/world/africa/12uganda.html)

I awoke this morning to the news, hurling in pain at the double blow this tragedy brings. Two of God's beautiful soldiers for peace have returned to him this year, but were selfishly ripped away from us.

*Aside to God: Why? How could you be taking away those that offer the world peace, those that live to create freedom for all? Do you only take the good? It feels like you are slowly poisoning this world, kicking the crutches out from under us, taking from us the souls that hold most promise--those that, if you had just let stay, would have brought world peace. Stop it! Stop taking the good, stop taking those that I love. Leave me with a little hope left, that's all I ask. Please, let the ones I love live. I don't like waking up each day afraid to lose anyone else.*

Rob, now Nate. Two friends. Both living out their dreams when the time came calling, both working tirelessly for Invisible Children, both fighting for humanity. The similarities of the circumstances nauseate my soul, and shred away the healing that started to take place. I am reliving a nightmare that has been with me everyday since November 13.

Rest in peace. You are in my thoughts and prayers Henn family.

http://blog.invisiblechildren.com/2010/07/in-loving-memory-of-nate-oteka-henn/

The 4th

2010-07-04T19:34:00.000-07:00

My 4th of July...*sigh*...It could not have been any better. Of course I had to go to work (my new job as a waitress at the Apollo) at five in the morning, which is not the first thing you would think of as being part of the equation to a great holiday, but I really did not mind. I work with a lovely staff (including my best friend Holly), had friendly customers (most of the day), and made twice as much in tips today than I have all week! (which is really all you can ask for.) It then crescendoed with a day by the pool with Holly, and relaxing at my uncle's with the family. Oh if only I had a camera that was capable of taking great dusk and nighttime photographs! The beauty I would have captured tonight! Walking down to the fireworks was the first taste of peace I have known for weeks. It was a connectedness to nature, deep down in my soul that filled me with hunger and made my eyes greedy. I could have stared into the dusky sky, breathed in my surroundings and enjoyed the beauty forever, if I was allowed. When the fireworks began, it was like a panorama of rose buds bursting in the spring over stems of cornfields. And even though they made little headway over the rolling hills and tops of trees it was ok, because my fireworks were the cotton candy sky, the expansive golden wheat fields, my colorful family each bringing their own flavor, and the firefly sparks, shimmers in the warm summer nights breeze, that danced around the sky and grazed the earth. And that breeze...it smelled of peace, of mother nature. It seeped into me and made me feel whole.

Marry your "loves" with your "have tos"

2010-05-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

I just had my last class today, which is probably why I'm finally getting back to blogging. Sorry for the lack of updates. This semester has been crazy-- a whirlwind of emotions, work, new and old. In a nutshell the beginning of this semester was tough, coming back to the absence of my dear friend that passed away in november, and also getting used to my two friends leaving to the same place that took him. For the first month I balanced classes, work and visits to the guidance counselor, then in February, ironically, I met someone who took my mind off of what I lost. Yep, I'm back in the saddle again. I suppose I never go to long being single. Then somehow between Comm. classes, drawing, friends, boyfriend, eating a lot and never sleeping, the months got ahead of me, and here we are, at the end. I would like to share with you what the final products of where I am and what I am left with at the end:

First off, these three new goofy girls moved into Tahara and my life and made this semester better than I expected, creating many laughs and memories along the way:

They taught me to leave an open mind and an open heart. Not all change will destroy your life. Change can expand your world for the better and force you to grow.

Secondly, life will not leave you broken and wasted. Joy will re-enter, and while you may never get back what you lost, you will find someone who will resemble the good you thought disappeared, and will mend your old wounds:

Academically, I learned that my Comm. classes left me wanting; Grammar, Style and Editing was the best class I've ever taken in my life; whatever artistic talent I have is genetic; the history of photography is amazing, and I give up entirely on ever being fluent in espanol.

Here are some achievements from this year:

First Grammar, Style and Editing:

(Here is one of the style pieces where we had to rant and employ the style elements: Echo salience, It Cleft, What Cleft, Chiasmus, Of+Heavy Word and Antithesis. I passed with flying colors-- my professors comment: "Wow! What a piece! Powerful. Beautiful. An interesting and gripping read.")

It's still as beautiful as the day it spawns and nothing can take that from us. Except death, which stripped everything from me-- my happiness, warmth, security, trust, sanity, routine-- you left me barren, alone and drowning in the wake of your wrath. Was life too perfect before you entered and made me take notice, whipping and wringing every drop of beauty out of me?

You did not just strip the soul from his body, but you proceeded to slit the throat of my love. You just shrugged it off, counting it as just another casualty caught in the ripple effect of the inevitable. No one gets out alive, right? It is the naivete of man to think death grants exemptions. But come on, death did not have to find me twice in two weeks.

You took Rob and then got greedy. You happily watched every vengeful thrust stab me in the back and smother innocent love in one inebriated motion. What gave you away was the residue of her lip-gloss on his cheating ass. I knew you had something to do with her tainted touch that crumbled the sturdy pillar love built. You left me with death of life and death of love.

I know I cannot just blame you though. Death cannot influence the free will of humans nor account for a human's stupid mistake. But that does not mean I let you off the hook. I may blame and hate the unfaithful, heartless scum that abandoned me two hundred miles away to escape from his jealousy between her fresh warm legs, but I blame and hate you even more for causing it. I breathed sorrow for months because of you and choked on the self-pity that seeps from a crushed spirit, but now I exhale you and suck life back in.

You cannot extinguish my memories or my strength. I continue to grow and adapt in spite of you. The power of death cannot exist without the vulnerability of life. Let's face it sucker, you need me.

I conquered you four times before, and although recovery from this double blow slowly progresses, you make no lasting impression. I will write you out of my life until I complete catharsis. But damn you for every constant reminder of the best friend you stole. You tripped him down the stairs, and cheated the world of one of the few men of substance. You cheated me from: our late night walks and intellectual conversation, Starbucks dates and free Mac and Cheese, unconditional love and intimacy not cheapened by false physical intimacy. You cheated the world from: an unselfish and passionate young man, change to better the world and the compassion with which to do so, agape and peace. What did the world stand to gain from losing him? I will never forgive you, but I will live for him.

Basic Drawing:

(Here are some drawings I did this year)

(Charcoal & White Pastel)

(Charcoal & White Pastel- 2nd attempt at eggs)

(Charcoal- 1st attempt at eggs)

(Charcoal- unfinished)

(Pencil)

(Charcoal)

(Thumbnails)

(final product- pencil, perspective)

(Pencil)

(Thumbnails)

(Pencil)

(Pencil & Charcoal)

(Pencil- Final)

I have grown from this year-- I am stronger, wiser, aged, more hopeful, and happier than I thought I would be.

and looking back to where I thought I'd be at the beginning of sophomore year, and in comparison to where I stand, I can't help but be reminded of this quote:

"To know that you don't know is the first sign of wisdom."

-Socrates

Expect the unexpected-- That is life.

While surfing through the world wide web of procrastination...

2010-04-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

I found this. Amazing and a little disturbing...trust me you will be impressed, fast forward to 56 seconds.

I found Happyness

2009-12-28T09:13:00.000-08:00

Check out this blog..

http://fuckyeahhappy.tumblr.com/

My prescription: Take a day to go and read through all of it. Then wake up every day after that to see what new posts come. It is nothing but happyness, enlightenment, and warm fuzzy feelings : )

This is a no brainer!

2009-12-14T08:46:00.000-08:00

Why is my life not my intentions?

2009-11-18T11:17:00.001-08:00

How did my life get so off track, so far from the way I had intended. I look back at all the pictures from last year, and stare at myself smiling back, and I just want to be that girl again, the happy one, with hope. I saw this year being one of the best years at Marist. I finally felt at home, and content, but now everything is screwed up and disheveled.

I look at the girl who was happy enough before meeting Rob, then I look at the girl who thought she was on her way to the life she had always wanted after meeting Rob. I am neither of them now. I wonder, looking at the me who never knew Rob, and think how simple life was, maybe I can just convince myself that I just have to be that girl again. But I can't be that girl again, because I am the girl who knew Rob, and was inspired, and complete with my best friend by my side.

Now I'm at Marist, alone, missing the link that made everything feel alright.

If we are supposed to control our own realities than how did I do this, how did I mess my reality up so bad. I envisioned a life with him at Marist. Not without him. But instead I was given this. How did I get here? How do I get out? Where do I go? Why did he go? What the hell am I supposed to do now...

On my mind.

2009-11-18T10:03:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at the Gartland wall overlooking the river in front of Rob's old house Gartland F1, because this is the only place I can feel the sun. The day before I turned 19 Rob and I got starbucks and came here. We sat on the wall and resolved our fight from five days earlier. For the past couple of days I couldn't figure out why I am so drawn to this spot, other than spending most of the last two months of last year over here with him.

I remember now what the fight was about. It was the first time he told me directly how he felt about me and the first time I was forced to acknowledge my own feelings. We didn't talk for five days, the longest we had ever gone without talking to each other since we met. But on May 8 2009 he bought me Starbucks and he took me to this wall and we sat and talked and made up.

I know why I return here more often than our other haunts. Here is where he came back to me. Here is where we found out that we were strongly bonded to each other. No fight, no distance, no obstacles were going to change this. I come here now to be with him, to find peace. I want so bad to feel him around me. I'm sitting here waiting for him to come back to me.

Remembering Our Friend Robert Stone

2009-11-16T13:45:00.000-08:00

(I took this picture. It was the last day I got to see him in person, and the first day he has ever seen the white house.)

http://blog.invisiblechildren.com/?p=2868

Invisible Children, with the help of Rob's friend Rebecca, posted this today on their blog in memory of Rob.

We will keep your legacy alive Rob. We are doing it, everything you imagined

"You're the one whose dreams can be whatever dreams you want, whose dreams can change the way things are, and the way that things are not."

2009-11-04T13:25:00.001-08:00

My friend just showed me this children's book. It hasn't even made it to stores yet because it keep selling out online. And I must say I can see why : ) It's pretty AWESOME!

Check it out!

http://www.veryawesomeworld.com/

and read it at

http://www.veryawesomeworld.com/awesomebook/inside.html

Sophomore Year So Far...

2009-09-30T19:36:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been through the whirlwind of a year in the span of a month. I'm busier than ever-- enrolled in five classes, Research Strategies and Methods, Topics in Biology, Communication and Society, Creative Writing, and Civil Rights Movement. I am a part of Badminton Intramural which I get payed to score the matches, and get priority points to play. I'm still a part of the Dance Club through which I am taking two Hip Hop classes. I'm a member of the Resident Student Council, and also a new praxivist (aka I am part of the public praxis club on campus that works on humanitarian projects). I continue to copy edit for Marist's newspaper The Circle, and am a tentative member of the Booster Club. Oh did I mention I am officially moving ahead with my plans to begin an Invisible Children Club on campus with the help of my friend Courtney? Yea. Busy, busy year. But don't worry mom and dad, I have received my grades so far from my classes and they are all A's and even one A+.

On top of all the things I have started or accomplished in the duration of a month, I have also met with my advisor and have officially been approved for my double minor in creative writing and photography. It shouldn't be too bad, I just have to have one semester of 16 credits, and one of 18 credits. To make things even more hectic I am thinking of adding in study abroad to Greece.

I have been loving every minute of this year though. Despite however much I dread Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Things are going smoothly in Midrise 407. My suite mates are a great surrogate family, and we have a few fall activities planned-- Apple picking, hopefully this weekend, the opening ceremony of the new Hudson river walking bridge (the highest and longest walking bridge in the world), pumpkin picking and carving, visiting UConn, haunted house, movies etc.

I'm playing a little hooky tomorrow evening though. Rachel, Courtney and I are traveling to Toads Place in Connecticut to hear Copeland, Barcelona, and Relient K play. We can't always be over achievers all the time : P.

I'm running full steam ahead. Hopefully the engine won't run out of fuel. Everyday I wake up the reminder on my wall stares me in the face-- "You never stop growing and advancing because you won't let yourself."

Classic

2009-09-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

Hállo,

I know it's been awhile, and I promise I will update you and try my best to keep a continuous blog now that I am back at Marist, but I felt that this just could not wait. So here precedes my introductory entry, the most beautiful composition of music that I have heard, that has made me feel in a long time, all without the emotion of a single word.

http://vimeo.com/6045312

The composer, Ólafur Arnalds is a neo-classical composer from iceland who embarked on a project in April 2009, 7 songs in 7 days, which he compiled into an album, 'Found Songs'

Check it out on http://store.erasedtapes.com/main.aspx?gopage=eratp17&x=17

You can buy 'Found Songs' on itunes.

I will right soon.

Love and Peace,

Elora

"You never stop growing and advancing because you won't let yourself"...Nope I won't, and I hope that's enough.

2009-05-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight the words won't come from me, but none the less they were exactly what I needed to hear, what anyone would need to hear. (and a little soundtrack to go along: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLNyVLbqdEg&NR=1)

"You are completely capable. Of all the people I have known, you are still the one that never stops amazing me. You never stop growing and advancing because you wont let yourself. I know you can do anything you put your mind to because I know you better than most people. I’ve seen your determination and passion for things you want to accomplish. You have so many qualities that so few people actually possess these days. I am so confident in your ability to accomplish anything your heart desires, but that doesn’t change anything. As confident as I am in you, you're the one who needs the confidence in your self. You’re more capable of achieving great things and you have such a selfless, full commitment of self, to anything that attracts your heart. I see that in how passionate you are about IC, passion for your friends and family, your work and activities, and even our relationship. You never stop giving yourself and pushing to make the things and people around you better. And no matter how much I say about how wonderful and perfect you are, I know that everything comes down to that self-confidence. You have all the tools and the spirit to do great things but I feel like sometimes you don’t think they are enough. Honestly, a lot of times I am more confident in you than in myself. I wish I could be as capable and selfless as you. And when I think about where you might be in ten years, I cant come up with a single, solid idea of what you will be doing. Not because you can't go where you want to go, but because there are so many possibilities for a person like you. Time and patience is all you need for now because you have everything else you need, and don’t lose sleep over these things. You’ll need all the rest you can get when you're taking on the world, babe."

Thank you Kory. I needed that : ) Now I can sleep.

My last post as freshman at Marist

2009-05-12T21:48:00.000-07:00

So this is my last blog as a freshman. I'm packing to go home. I remember nine months ago I never thought this day would come. I never thought I'd be coming back next year, I had no clue where I was going. I never knew I'd grow so much. I can't wait to go home for summer, and spend time with my family, but I am going to miss Sheahan hall, rooming with Chanel, seeing my crazy neighbors and friends just down the hall, and everything about this campus. I can't wait for my next three years here, I can't wait to see how else I grow. It's safe to say I have two homes now, and who would have ever known I could make one on my own.

In the words of The Colorful Quiet, "I was never sure in the way my life would go, like many times before it was all that I would know. I can't really tell you. What would happen if I tried? To admit to myself that a part of me has died."

but a necessary part.

And me, I think I'm getting there.

Jump First. Fear Later.

2009-05-01T09:59:00.000-07:00

All year, I have been stressing over where my life is going to take me. I worried about what would make me happiest. I worried about life, and the fear of living one away from the life I had always known. But I no longer am worrying, because my life is no longer about me.

I have changed so much this year. I remember talking to my sister at the beginning of this year, and she told me, "Elora, you will change. And so will your friends." I laughed and said I was not going to change. I was wrong.

At the beginning of this year, I felt like going to Marist was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, and all I wanted was to go back to the life I used to have. But now I can't help but ask myself, how could I ever go back, when my life is moving in the direction it was always meant to.

So as you may have deduced by now, I have decided to stay. My long, tiresome, lonely journey through the shadows and valleys of my heart is finally over. And I feel so relieved.

Today I finally finished my last speech in my class, so I decided to put on a little TV and relax. I flipped around and found E! news. I used to watch this religiously, but for some reason today I couldn't bear it. I was just about to flip the channel when I heard that they were having a story on the Rescue. (In case you have not been reading my previous blogs, or don't know me, the Rescue is Invisible Children's event to rescue the 3,000 abducted child soldiers in Northern Uganda, by asking people to gather in cities all over the world and abduct themselves in solidarity to rescue the children.) I waited in painful agony as stories about "Were the Jonas brothers single? Did Lauren Conrad really make out with a dog? Is Anne Hathaway going to be on dancing with the stars?" filtered across the screen. Finally the segment on IC came on.

I can't believe I used to watch this show. How can anyone really care about that crap! The world is run by celebrity. We live, breathe, and hang on their every move and word. It is driving me crazy! I can't believe I used to care.

This year I've pitied myself. I've felt so unhappy for so long, but maybe that was just because I cared and worried about all the wrong things. It was not until recently, when Invisible Children came back into my life, that I stopped concerning myself with myself, and realized what makes me feel fulfilled, and happiest, and what I care about.

So I am going to stay. I have great opportunities on the horizon for me here, and I cannot wait to see where everything takes me. I will no longer worry. I will jump first, and fear later.

Oh, and Chicago was finally rescued by Oprah today. Watch her show at 4.

Your Beauty is Breathtaking

2009-04-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

I just want to take a moment from my homework to share this beautiful sight in front of me.

Here I sit, in the silent calm of the library, in a comfy chair, listening to music, and typing away for my public speaking class. My feet are resting on the window sill of the floor to ceiling windows that let in the most beautiful view I have ever seen. How lucky I am to see such beauty every single day. I can't help but wish I was able to share this beautiful, peaceful moment with someone I love. This spot, in the corner of the library, on the third floor, in this comfy chair, with laptop in hand, and the beautiful Marist campus stretched out before me is one of my favorite places on campus.

Now I will return to my homework, and enjoy watching the sunset over the hudson.

Abduct Yourself!

2009-03-31T12:28:00.000-07:00

On April 25th, Invisible Children is asking everyone to go and be a part of the Rescue. Invisible Children is a non-profit organization dedicated to rescuing the abducted children of Northern Uganda from Joseph Kony's rebel army, the LRA. These innocent children are taken in the middle of the night, and are forced to fight in a twenty-three year long war. Please, watch this video, sign up for the Rescue, and be the change you want to see in the world. Three-thousand children remain un-rescued, and hundreds are abducted by the minute. Help Invisible Children reach their goal of Peace in Uganda. There are many places in the world where the Rescue is taking place, from Ireland (cough cough molly) to many cities in the United States, so please do your part.

http://therescue.invisiblechildren.com/en/#/watch/

Multi-Sensory Aesthetic Experience

2009-03-02T19:56:00.000-08:00

In a small room glowing with christmas lights, and cluttered with bodies, and vintage knick knacks, mae begins to play. They do not disappoint.

This weekend was one I will remember forever, for many reasons.

On friday, Rachel, Courtney and I left the dorms with nothing but our luggage, a three pound bag of gummi bears, and the hopes of hanging out with Mae. We were told by our friend Matt to take a candle to Mae, and drop his name, and that we were guaranteed to hang out with them. We were thrilled, and could not wait. We bought a candle, decorated it, and bought a card because it was dave's (the lead singer) birthday the day before.

Courtney Seto and her gummies The candle we bought (it smelled like apple)

(yea no explanation needed)

We arrived in Waterbury CT around 3:30. Her mom had ordered us pizza, which has to be the most delicious pizza I have ever had. We talked with her mom, grandma, and sister. I felt comfort, it was nice to be at a home, even if it wasn't mine.

We ate, got ready, and hoped in Rachel's explorer, Ponce De Leon, and drove to The Space. It was a pretty easy drive, except for that dreaded servoss street. Google maps said it would be two miles down the road, but it happened to be five. After a few turn arounds we finally found servoss street, and were even closer to our destination. We arrived at The Space, and ran inside, away from the rain. Oh yea and don't worry, the three pound gummi bears came with us...everywhere.

The Space had so much charm, but it was crowded with teeny boppers. We tried to ignore that fact. There were three bands that played before Mae. The first was tired and true. They were good. Typical local band, but they had the hottest, shortest drummer I have ever seen. Next was The Ghost Sonata. Very unique sound, amazing singer, I really enjoyed them, but they are way better in person than on their myspace. Then Forget Paris came on. They are really catchy and good. I like, especially the eye candy of a lead singer. Sorry Kory.

Tired and True The aforementioned drummer

The Ghost Sonata

Forget Paris

Then, finally the moment we all were waiting for, Mae took the stage. I was literally one person away from Dave. They were amazing, just as good if not better in person. They played an amazing set. A good mix of old and new. They opened with their new song, "the house that fire built," which is basically their mission statement for their new project- 12 songs. 12 months. 1 goal. Make a difference.- in which they are raising money by releasing a new song every month which can be downloaded for one dollar. Every dollar made will go straight to their fund to build a house for habitat for humanity.

But what more can I really say. I wish you all were there. I'm going to shut up now, and let you listen to some videos (their not much for the eye, but they are nice on the ears, and good for the soul.)

After the show we gave the candle to dave. He seemed confused at first but then it clicked. He got side tracked with some fans, we waited patiently, and after most of the place cleared out we got to talk to them. We took some pictures with mae, oh and rob from tokyo (which is also an amazing band!)

Jacob- drummer from Mae Zack- guitarist from Mae

Dave- lead singer and guitarist of Mae

oh and rob from Tokyo, who accompanied Mae on the piano.

We left a little bummed that we didn't get to eat dinner with them, but excited that we got to see them, and talk to them in person. I mean how many chances does anyone have to meet and talk face to face with as big a band as Mae, let alone see them in such an intimate venue. It was an amazing weekend.

"Did you know how you would move us, did you know? When the lights first came upon us, and we saw the everglow, and the moments magic swept us away."

-Mae

Oh and guess what? I get to play on the same stage as Mae on june 11! I'll keep you posted.

Useless progress

2009-03-02T19:22:00.000-08:00

www.graphicpoetry.com

What my frustration boils down to:

connections

dreams

musicians

differences

school

I don't know why I'm letting it bother me. You meet amazing people in your life, and then try to pursue a connection. But for some unknown x factor, the connection is not taken to the next level, even though all compatibility points towards "go."

Whether it be age difference, status difference, lack or proximity, or bad timing, things just don't work out.

It has always frustrated me to no end...when you know you could be such great friends, such good companions with one person, but for some reason the other person just doesn't see it.

I find it ironic and intrinsically sad.

How unfortunate it is that you will cross paths with people in your life, that you could have been really close with...but you won't, and your life will never be how you dreamed it could be, and who will ever know what your life could have been.

I'm afraid I'm only making useless progress.

but I'm fighting to move forward...I just don't want my doubts to stand in the way of my dreams.

Big Brother Is Watching Us

2009-02-26T12:14:00.000-08:00

www.aclu.org/pizza/

Scary. Let's hope Obama does not let this happen.

The Fear of apathy, the Love of everything else

2009-02-19T14:50:00.003-08:00

www.graphicpoetry.com

Today I woke with fear in my mind, and apathy in my heart. I'm afraid of my present, and my future. I realized today of all the work I have to complete, of the essay I still have to write, and the application I still have to fill out. I realized how apathetic I've been with my school work. And then I realized- what if I fail? What if I don't write a good enough essay? What if I don't apply soon enough? What if I don't get accepted and I can't transfer? What if I fail my classes here? What if I never figure it out?

Wake up call: What if all of this worrying I have been doing has been all for nothing, and I don't have a choice? I stood at the bathroom sink and realized how helpless I feel. I lost control, and the fear took over.

Does all this mean I care? Yes I do, but I have to find a way out of my apathetic heart, and stop being a bystander in my own life.

I need to wake up, rise above my urge to nap, and apply myself, so that whatever the outcome, I can say I tried to control whatever part of my life I am in control of.

I miss the days of being a child, laying in my bed under the soft light glowing off of my four dark walls, as my mom read my favorite book to me. I miss the carefree days of spending hours with my sister doing everything, and nothing at the same time. I miss the hours spent in school with my friends, and the feeling of walking through the doors of my house in the late afternoon, greeted by dogs, by my sister, by my mom and dad. I miss the lazy summer days, soaking up the sun, and wearing nothing on my feet. I miss the times when I had all the time to write in the world, and none of the ambition. I miss those days that seemed to last forever, and would often complain of boredom. I'd trade anything to return to those days, my past, my years spent in the comfort of my home. If I could go back and give myself one piece of advice I'd say, "Hold on. What's the rush? Hold on to these moments, once you leave you can't go back."

I'm mainly confused. I'm partly afraid. I'm a bit apathetic. I'm definitely exhausted. I'm completely nostalgic. I'm so in love. I'm sick of growing older. I'm really homesick. I'm extremely independent. I'm starting anew. I'm two hundred miles away from my support system, but I'm determined to make it through this, even if it is on my own.

This is my battalion of truth...and it is only beginning.

“It couldn't have happened anywhere but in little old New York.”

2009-02-10T17:41:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I went with my friend Rachel to New York City. We met up with her friend Courtney who goes to Fordham in Brooklyn.

I took my first train ride into the city! I honestly don't know why I was so excited but hey now I can say I've traveled by train. The scenery on the ride was so beautiful, but it was hard to stay awake, one- because I went to bed at four in the morning the night before, and two- because the smooth motion of the train lulled me to sleep. Here is the pretty view from the train, and Rachel passed out next to me:

We got to grand central and I of course immediately began taking pictures like an obnoxious tourist:

We pretty much spent the day doing nothing, but that's the best part of New York City, you could spend all day there, do nothing, and never be bored.

Only in new york city can you go into the subway and have your ears harassed by the sounds of an electric violinist covering britney spears's "Oops I did it again." Only in New York City can you go to the Met and get in for free, and then get hit on by a middle-aged security guard. Only in New York City can you see pre-teens obliterated off their asses in grand central station. Only in New York City can a girl survive on fifteen dollars. Only in New York City can you see all races, all social statuses, all ages thriving and surviving as one.

"The present in New York is so powerful that the past is lost."

Thought:

2009-02-01T19:09:00.000-08:00

"Realizing that you have your own problems and issues that only you can solve is half the battle- the other half is being able to have the mental, physical, and emotional will power to change what you need to change to feel good about yourself."

So, I'm back.

2009-01-20T12:55:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back at Marist. There's about a foot of snow on the ground. This is a picture from outside of my window. (Dad is always telling me I need to add pictures.) I'm slowly falling back into the swing of things, but everything still feels foreign. Everything looked different, when I moved back into my dorm, the halls and rooms looked bigger and whiter. Who knows maybe they repainted or maybe it's just because I haven't been here in a month.

Classes began today. I woke up at 6:50, got out of bed at 6:51. It wasn't too bad. After I brushed my teeth I was pretty much awake. I always love that feeling of waking up early, dawn just breaking on the horizon, the still silence, the feeling that you are waking up before the whole world. I feel more productive waking up early. For one, I associate waking up at the crack of dawn with competing in feises, jet setting off on some important trip, or taking a big important test, so at that early hour I always feel special like I'm getting up to do something really important. Secondly, I have the whole day ahead of me. The day seems so much longer, because I am awake hours before I normally would be, which could be a double-edged sword for me. It could make this semester less stressful and a lot more productive, but it could also make the days seem a lot slower, and the semester a lot longer.

My first class of the semester was a core requirement for my communications major: The art of public speaking. Going into this class I was as nervous as if I was a little school girl (I know ironic because I am, but this isn't my first semester anymore.) My roommate had the same class last semester. The professor was always such a bitch to her (excuse my language). So needless to say I was a little scared, I don't deal well with mean comments. After meeting him I can say that he seems nice, but at the same time is probably an asshole. I don't think he means to be, but he is just one of those guys who probably does not have any children, so his criticisms come off a bit crass. But I do believe that he means for us to do well, and will work with us to help us achieve the grade we deserve. Luckily for me the class is small. I would say around twelve all together. After he went over the syllabus, he had us pair up, and get to know our partner, then give a one minute speech on our classmate. I did it without stuttering. I can now check off my first time speaking in class. Task complete. Now I just have to give four or five more speeches. But since the class is small I'm hoping we'll all get to know each other soon, feel comfortable around one another. I got out of class around nine. Walked outside, was greeted by a big phallic symbol drawn in the snow, walked back to my dorm, ran into Chanel and went to grab a little breakfast. Came back, watched the inauguration, went to lunch, studied a little for my History final that I have tomorrow, and read a little of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. But now it is nearing that magical witching hour...5. I have to run to class, I will continue this blog when I get back. Trust me I have much more deeper things to write about when I return.

Oh La, We've got a lot to learn from each other we have got to stick together

2009-01-02T14:51:00.000-08:00

It's funny, we make all these elaborate plans for our lives, and spend thousands of dollars attending colleges that promise to make our dreams reality. We sacrifice for our career, and later sacrifice for love, all in the name of our future. As we struggle to control our destiny, and grasp more and more at these picture perfect plans, and mold our present so that it will form into our future, we wind up reaching the future wanting entirely different things. It is this never ending "future self" that we work so hard towards, but what we forget to take into account is that on the journey to our "future self," who we are is picking up new pieces to our identity. You cannot plan who future "you" is going to be, when every moment leading to that future destination is a new moment of discovery, and you are not the same person you were a moment ago.

It's eye opening, while searching for and applying to colleges I thought I needed that top 10 Princeton review, the college that promised success. If I was going to be big, I had to go to a big place. Ordinary was never in the cards for me, I had to shoot for excellence. Now being at college I found that excellent is nice, but not when I am paying for the nametag. In ten years it won't matter what the name of the college was, but what I did there, and how I grew. You see, I confused these things. The name of the college, or where it is, does not make or break your future. It is YOU who opens up the opportunities that you desire for yourself. You create your life.

It's ironic, many of the people I know who are about to graduate, or have long since graduated, had that elaborate plan, but where they thought they were going to be five or ten years ago is not where they are now. You can start out wanting to be the big animator in Hollywood, but find just as you are about to graduate, that the four years you spent devoting your life to this field is not what you want at all, you'd rather just plan parties and bake. Or you could stay local, but yearn for the big city, later settle for being a teacher when your New York City dreams fall short, then find love, contemplate sacrificing your happiness and career for your husband, find out your husband is a cheating, sex-addicted bag of scum, and wind up where you always belonged, doing what you've always loved. Funny isn't it? How regardless of our plans, life will go how it is supposed to.

It seems sometimes all of these plans just clog up the works. The more we plan, the more we find ourselves deviating from the plan. What is the sense in stressing out about the future and the plans that we have when everyday is leading us in a new direction. OUR plan just gets in the way of THE plan. Why plan when you will end up where you are supposed to be regardless of our best human attempts to thwart it.

I love the college I am attending. It suits me. But even though I am happy, I am not complete. I had plans. To get out of this town, to go spread my wings, take the world by storm, be a successful fashion magazine editor, run with the fashionable, and discover the world. I found love. In the middle of my plan, a guy stepped into my life at the most inopportune moment-- or was it? I went away to college. I left my town, went to that prestigious college, with the pricey nametag, and took those first steps towards achieving my plan. But is this the ultimate route? Just because it's the only one I've seen for years does not mean it is. I'm taking my blinders off. We all have blinders on when we reach for the "dream" future. The blinders that cause us to sacrifice happiness for "success," that delay our real destiny. These blinders are starting to fall off, and I can see all of the possible pathways I can take that will all lead me to my future.

I see now that it might be more beneficial for me to deviate from my stubbornly laid plan. maybe my next plan will be to stop planning, and just follow.

Why pay thousands of dollars for an education in a field that you will most likely, not wind up pursuing? Why sacrifice love, family, happiness for the name and prestige, when everything you ever need to succeed is inside of you.

I have learned so much this year, and I know that I would not have found any of this out if I did not go away to Marist.

Everything in my life I realize now is perfect. Every single thing I have done, all of the choices I made lead me to exactly where I am. Everyone I've met has taught me everything I know now. Every situation I've been in has contributed to the person I am becoming. Where I was, in my small town, forced me to leap outside of the walls and find that I can make it on my own. Where I am has taught me that I am independent, but has also made me realize that what I wanted to get away from is exactly what I need. Plans for careers, plans for love, plans for the future, they all change, but family, and the friends who are like family are a definite.

None of these things I would have learned without the people around me. Everyone in my life, from my family, to my friends in Delaware, to my friends at Marist, is so vital to who I am as a person, who I am becoming, and who I am meant to be.

It's the people that will matter years from now, not the place.

I am not saying I am giving up on my dream to get out of this town, to go spread my wings, take the world by storm, be a successful fashion magazine editor, run with the fashionable, and discover the world, I am just saying maybe there is an easier way, a way I'd be happier. I'm starting to see a new path that does not cost thousands of dollars, that does not cost my happiness, and that most importantly in the end does not cost my dreams.

As my good friend keeps reminding me, "It doesn't matter where you go. You will make the opportunities for yourself regardless of where you are."

Oh it's a funny thing. We've got a lot to learn from each other. I'm absorbing all that the people around me have to teach me, and I'm ready to keep learning.

New?

2009-01-01T22:18:00.000-08:00

The New Year. Funny term -- New. If you think about it, nothing is really new in the New Year. All of the old, good and bad, just trickles into the next morning, after the ball drops. Nope, after 2008 turned into 2009 I did not magically revert back into a new born, I was still me, an eighteen year old with a lot of dreams, and few answers; the country still remained its old, used, bankrupt model. Yep, everything around me was just as it was, the earth was still the earth, my house was still my house, my family was still my family, my life was still my life, with the same memories, the same bruises, the same battle scars, and the same successes.

When the clock struck twelve, everything in my life did not suddenly upgrade to a new, shiny, perfect, spotless model, everything was just as it was, the same life that I had created for myself, year after year, countdown after countdown, "new" year after "new" year. 2008 piled on top of 2007, and so on and so on. New is not exactly what I would call the year, as it evokes a more physical image in my mind. "New" is meant to be a mental reassurance for us humans, but physically, the term "new" is a far fetched fairy tale. So this year I grounded myself, let go of the fairy tales, and dealt with reality-- New Years Eve is never the magical revelation, or epiphanic moment we idealize, and the New Year is just a new date, and regardless of the year, your life is still your life.

But today, New Years Day, began and ended with great strides towards resolution and great hope for the rest of the coming "New" Years. I am taking this year of opportunity to put forth the change I want to see in my life, and to create myself, not into a new person, but into an older, wiser, more self-assured, more driven, and more comfortable me. (Who wants to be new? I'd have to make the same mistakes all over again, and re-learn all of the lessons I already know.)

You see my problem with "New" is that it suggests that the slate is wiped clean. It is a new year, but it is not a new world. Personally, and nationally, we are still the same, with the same opportunities for growth, for resolution, for change...and the earth is lucky enough to be given another year in which to do so.

Home is where I want to be...

2008-12-18T13:36:00.000-08:00

Oh the unlucky timing of snow. Everyone here at Marist has wanted snow for weeks now, but finally when the time is most inconvenient it threatens to come.

Tomorrow the weather channel is calling for 6-14 inches of snow. I have a final tomorrow at 10:30, which is not so bad because some people have finals at 1, but at this point I just want to go home. Marist has threatened to postpone finals till saturday. I am not waiting till saturday to go home...no chance! I emailed my professor today asking if I could take it today, but he simply replied, "The final will be at its scheduled time tomorrow. It is not supposed to snow heavily until the afternoon." Which is true, it is not supposed to snow heavily until 3...but it is supposed to start snowing at 6 in the morning. And for your information professor, I have a four hour trip home to Delaware >: O

I am trying to get done with my final by 11:30, get everything packed by 12, and get out of here before the snow really starts to fall. I really hope that none of the finals get canceled, I personally don't want to stay till saturday, and I know no one else wants to stay through saturday.

Besides the weather, I am also stressed about this final. History is proving to be my toughest class. I wish this was not my last final, because with the promise of going home, and my onset of ADD I can't think or focus, and I am stressing out because I can't seem to formulate the answers to the three possible essay questions he gave us. My stress has even begun to affect my cooking skills...

Last night after studying, and freaking out about studying all day and still not knowing anything, I went to make some ramen noodles. I put the noodles in the bowl, and then the seasoning and put it in the microwave for three minutes. Notice any step I might have missed? Yea, me neither...until the microwave started smoking. I opened it up, noticed the noodles were burnt, ran to the windows and threw them open, rushed out of my room into the one down the hall and called for Chanel's assistance. Everyone ran in my room, faning the air, holding a bowl over the fire alarm, trying to prevent a mass exodus out of the building. We succeeded, and it is safe to say I am not public enemy number one. Phew, close call. I could not help but laugh at myself, but I felt like such an idiot, considering the day before I had cooked the same meal and did not forget the water. This stress has taken my mind, and tried to take my room. There were no flames, just a lot of smoke, and when I grabbed the container out of the microwave I noticed that it had burnt a hole through it. Mom, I think I need new tupperware for christmas : ).

Even though my horoscope says, "You're feeling really unprepared for something you have to do today, but your a lot more ready than you think. Deep breath..."

I have a hard time believing it. I hope it is right.

Well I should go study, but I have this weird mix of stress and apathy. My heart is set on going home, and my head is ready to go home, but knows that I still have one final to complete. It does not help that everyone and their freaking mother is done with finals and is home. If I see one more facebook status saying "done finals : )" or "home!" I'm going to flip. My sanity is slipping...

Please pray for a safe trip home for me and my Dad tomorrow, and that I don't completely fail this final. I can't wait to be back home.

"Hopefully this holiday will make us believe that we're exactly where we're supposed to be..."

2008-12-12T08:28:00.001-08:00

I can't give details on this, but so many things have been happening in the past few weeks of december that have made me unsure about what life has in store for me...What is it about this month that has relationships, and everything turned around and upside down?

I'm confused, I'm shaken, I'm ready to come home to have time to just think.

Just stopped by to procrastinate

2008-12-06T14:03:00.000-08:00

So I was "working" on my paper for communications today and this is what popped up when I tried to go to a certain site:

404- Resource Not Found

In Haiku:

The page that you seek

Cannot be located, but

Countless more exist.

Strangest response I've received for a non-locatable page so far on the web...

Common, Simple, Beautiful Ways

2008-12-05T10:32:00.000-08:00

Hello,

I've been back in New York for about a week now, and no sooner have I come back than I want to go home, but I am keeping myself busy. I don't have much time to blog because I have to prepare for finals (even though they are two weeks away), so I am just going to leave you with this youtube video I found. This girl is really good...

I can't wait to go back to all of the common simple beautiful ways...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eg3179KR4U

(for some reason this link won't work, so just type in "Common, Simple, Beautiful" Original by Jennifer Chung).

Strange Happenings

2008-11-19T20:32:00.000-08:00

Today my boyfriend texted me...

"I sat down in a seat for my math exam and on the desk someone wrote "love the life you live, live the life you love." - Bob Marley.

John is always with us.

Good Evening, and Goodnight

2008-11-18T22:04:00.000-08:00

Today was a very long and wonderful day.

I woke up this morning, and went to breakfast, only to find out that the power had gone out in our Student Center, where our cafeteria is, in Champagnat (one of the freshman dorms), in Marion (another dorm), in Gartland (upperclassman housing), and in the library. Strange.

Classes were tough, but I got through them. I completed tedious homework, so now hopefully I can focus on the main issues at hand: my two research papers.

And then after my last class I got the most loveliest of surprises. Housing called me down and said I had a package that I needed to pick up before 5. A package, sent to housing? I went down, with great curiosity, and found to my surprise I had been sent flowers! My boyfriend, Kory, sent me the most beautiful autumn colored bouquet. In the anticipation of going home, and with the crap load of homework I am piled under, I needed this now more than ever. It was the sweetest 5th month anniversary surprise I have ever received. I love him! : )

I tackled the rest of my homework with a lighter heart, and went to dance rehearsal at 9. I did not get back until 12:34. 3 and a half hours of waiting around, and maybe 10 minutes of actually dancing. There is nothing quiet like sitting around for several hours to make someone so exhausted.

This day could have been viewed as one strange and terrible day, with hard classes, a pop essay, lack of power in certain buildings, the bitter cold, and a long dance rehearsal...but instead that pretty bouquet of autumn flowers sitting on my microwave, and all of the love wrapped up in that one simple act, has turned everything around. I can't help but smile.

So far...

2008-11-13T12:25:00.000-08:00

So, no real insightful messages or ponderings for this week, just a simple update on what's happening in my life:

Today is a rainy, cold day that chills you to the bone. I am done classes for the day and just want to curl up in bed and watch a movie or something, maybe read a book, but I know I can't. Next weeks busy schedule looms over my head urging me to push forward with work that I know is due next week.

So next week is the big dance rehearsal week at Marist for our dance clubs performance. My schedule will leave no time for socializing. The madness and mayhem begins this sunday. I have to take a bus to the local FDR high school and be there at 11 am for the Lighting and Staging Rehearsal. I have a break Monday. Tuesday there is rehearsal at the McCann center (right behind my dorm) at 9 pm. Rehearsal at 9 pm again on Wednesday, and Thursday. Then Friday I have to catch another bus at 4 or 4:45 (either way this means I have to get out of class early) to the FDR again for Dress Rehearsal at 5 pm. Saturday is the first show. We have to leave on the bus at 2:30 and be backstage by 4 pm. I also have to remember that during intermission I am selling raffle tickets. Sunday is the last show. We have to leave on the bus at 11:30 and be backstage by 1 pm. So it's going to be a week long of rehearsal after rehearsal, late night after late night, and hour after hour of waiting in boredom, did I mention I am the second to last act. Yea, long wait to get through 470 dancers in their various performances. On top of dance mayhem, I also have a research paper to write, not to mention all of the other homework my crazy professors will concoct, and I have to make sure I am all packed to go home by Sunday.

Break couldn't come soon enough. I am starting to run low on enthusiasm, optimism, tissues, water bottles, energy, breakfast items, and motivation. I have developed a serious case of Collegitis, but the good news is that I have found the cure, a few doses of whoop ass (me whooping my own ass that is), and self-motivational talks. It was much worse last week. I think I am on the road to recovery, although I might go through a relapse when I come back from vacation, so I think I'll have to up my dosage of self-prescribed remedies.

Besides the looming week of pure dance craziness, I have been preocuppying my hours of procrastination with a few things:

The first thing is repetitively listening to the songs "Be Be Your Love" by Rachael Yamagata, check out this video on youtube, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i35RTgP1GCo (its the best live version I've found so far), "Sideways" by Citizen Cope, and "Question" by Old 97's.

Secondly, catching up on Pushing Daises.

And the third form of amusement I've found is "fail blog," which is really funny and quite amusing. If you ever have spare time I suggest you go to google and type in fail blog, or just go to http://failblog.org. If you ever feel like an epic failure this page is sure to make you feel much better about yourself.

Hmmm...let's see, further happenings in my life...

Oh, well I now know the true meaning of the phrase "broke like a college student." Well, it's not so much that I am completely broke, but I do not have bag loads of money either, so I've been trying to stretch my supplies to the best of my ability without having to walk all the way to rite aid, or pay one dollar for the bus to go to the grocery store.

For awhile now I have been without breakfast foods, I do have a box of cereal but no milk, so I have A. not been eating anything for breakfast, B. getting my own butt up and going to get breakfast in the cafeteria in the mornings, C. trying to sleep later so by the time I wake up I either have to go to class, or it is time for lunch, or D. taking bananas from the cafeteria for breakfast (one of my friends had a mug full of milk that she carried from the cafeteria back to her refrigerator in her room, which I thought very clever. Hey, if you can get it for "free" than why go buy a carton? I might have to try that one of these days.) Then, recently I began to run out of tissues. Now I need to include the fact that I have had a cold all week, and am now just getting over it. I went through all of my tissue boxes by the beginning of November, and asked my friend to pick me up a box when she went to the store, instead she said she had way to many and gave me one. I reluctantly agreed. But now I am almost done with that one as well, in less than a week. So (yea this might gross you out) I've been reusing the ones I have not fully used up before, or going to the bathroom and using toilet paper. Hey, don't judge, funds are limited, and I'm just trying to get by one more week until I go home. I also have half a case, or less of water bottles left. I'm trying to ration them out, because they too have to last me through next week, especially with all of those rehearsals. You can call me stingy, but hey what can I say, I'm in college now.

On a completely different matter, we just began to read The History Boys by Alan Bennett in my college writing II class. It is quite an amusing play thus far. We only covered Act I in class today, but so far there is plenty of witty banter and scandal, and a dash of the disturbed. I think it promises to be a very good read, so if you are ever bored, go read it! It won a Tony Award for crying out loud. Although I must say qualifications for reading it are that you have to be able to read french (the whole play isn't in french but parts are), and you can't be a complete prude, there is definitely some suggestive material in this play. But you can't create a brilliant masterpiece without crossing the line a little.

Well that is all for now...I should start writing my research paper...humph!

I miss you all, and I can't wait to see you all at Thanksgiving!

"If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad." - Lord Byron

I'm still learning to be comfortable with who I am right now...and finding who I want to be...

2008-11-07T22:32:00.000-08:00

It's about 1:32 on a friday morning. I have the room all to myself for the first time ever, and I'm lying in my bed, alone, watching The Notebook. So naturally I've had some time to think...about love, life and the pursuit of happiness. No only kidding, more like-- confusion, love, life, and the pursuit of myself...?

Tonight I saw the movie The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, and oddly enough, this strangely simple little movie got me to thinking-- Who am I? What do I want in life? Each friend in the movie reminded me of qualities I've always wished to possess, of things I had always hoped to gain by maturing, going to college, experiencing life outside of my comfort zone-- That cool, unique style and confident swagger of a New York City student, that experienced maturity, and eclectic cultured mystery of a well traveled person, that deep rooted sense of self...

Tonight (dare I let the cat out of the bag) I realized, I don't know what I want. I no longer have a clear vision of where my life is headed...only scattered remnants of crazy dreams, and childhood passions...

Life hardly goes as planned. If my life had gone as I had planned back in freshman year of high school I'd still be going out with Mr. J, and be engaged at the ripe old age of 22. I'd be somehow magically well off (I never planned well enough in detail to tell you where this money would be coming from), we'd have a decent sized house, my dream wedding, catered to my every whim, and at last I'd finally have my storybook, Cory and Tapanga, high school sweethearts, once in a lifetime romance. But as I said life hardly goes as planned, people change, sometimes for the better. In this case, it was for the better...

But now I have a much different life, a new love, a new place of dwelling, new goals, new concerns, and new obstacles to face...

But even though I may lose sight of my dreams, I know deep down those are the things that have not changed.

While I was watching the movie, the New York City scenes still sent thrills through my veins. There is something about that place, something in the hustle and bustle that makes me feel like I could be important, like by just simply being there, I'd magically mature and complete my journey to independence. In the movie, one girl spent her summer in Turkey on an archeological dig, and once again I felt the twang of needing to have those educational, cultural, life-altering experiences, where you are thrust into an entirely new way of life, where you are forced to broaden your horizons, to step outside of your comfort zone, where you are a part of something bigger than yourself...you are forced to grow. The scenes in the movie in Greece seized my heart as well, and ignited the once dormant spark...I want to travel to Greece, I want to get married in Greece, heck I could even live in Greece (or at least half live there).

I want to experience those once in a lifetime moments, to give myself those opportunities to find myself...

Right now, as I mentioned earlier, I am watching The Notebook, and I just realized how symbolic The Sisterhood and The Notebook are of my life. They are two aspects that I want in my life...two very important things I need in my life...and I'm not willing to give up either...But I'm scared that one day I'll have to choose between the two...

Love or Life...I want those life experiences, and I want to experience them with the one I love...I don't want to have to choose...but I feel like I'm having to choose already...but what is the good of growing in those "life experiences" when you are bitter inside, alone, without the one you love.

I do not know what I want. I do not know where I will be in a year from now, or five, or ten years from now. But I do know what is important to me.

I will experience those spontaneous moments of being alive. I will experience culture and the world. I will know love and be loved. I will live life with the one I love.

But for now, I will give a "remarkably convincing portrayal of a...girl traveling down a very long road, with no regard for the consequences."

-The Notebook

I don't ever want to stop being that girl with the crazy dreams, that tenacious, passionate, driven, self-assured, confident girl, who just simply knows that her life will work out just because she said so...

P.S. I started a Greece fund. So far there is only $8.36 in it...but I will get there.

Our future...

2008-11-05T13:24:00.000-08:00

Obama won last night! He is president, and whether you voted for him or not, we all must take a moment to reflect that we just witnessed a monumental moment in history.

*time to absorb*

Do you grasp that? Good, okay.

Now I am not the most educated person on politics, not even close. Although, I must pat myself on the back, this was the closest I have ever followed any election, and the most informed I have ever been. I did not, and do not know all of the intricacies about Obama's political agendas or policies, but I do know enough that, deep down, I feel hope and promise in the outcome.

I know many people are still maintaining the same disappointment, expressing the same sentiments they have for every election, that their vote was just "the lesser of two evils, neither was a very good candidate". They only voted because it was expected of them, or they did not vote. But this time, I have to beg to disagree. Regardless of my lack of in depth knowledge, I must say that I feel this time was different. This time is different.

On election day, I must say something shocked me, and dare I say, down right disturbed me. The majority of people I ran into that day were for McCain. My generation?? I couldn't fathom this. After we have first hand, witnessed how much destruction Bush has been able to do in his eight year reign of idiocy and terror, my generation, the new voices of America, were pro McCain? They were seriously willing to elect another Bush? (side note: I do not say this simply because he is republican. Give me another Abraham Lincoln and I will gladly vote for him. I refer to McCain as the third coming of Bush because in my limited knowledge of the two campaigns, I have reasonable knowledge to believe that McCain and Palin had taken a page out of President Bush's book.) Needless to say terror ran through my veins, uncertainty filled my mind. Could this election go in a direction I did not count on?

I found solace in the few friends of mine that were democratic, and we banded together in a little dorm room, which we referred to as the "Democratic room." (because almost quite literally, or at least in our minds, we were the only Democrats in the dorm) There we sat, through the five hour long process, and found comfort in seeing that over half of America had not completely lost their minds. Needless to say you all know the results: We, for once, did not repeat the past.

My fellow Obama supporters and I did a victory lap outside, watched his speech, and went to bed.

I will never forget the place or date or people I was with, on the day Obama was elected president, the day that will be marked down in the history books. I do not take for granted what yesterday meant. One day when my grandchild comes to me and says "Grandma, we're learning about President Obama in history class. Did you know he was the first African American man ever elected President?" I will reply, "Yes, I was there." And when she asks me "who did you vote for?" I can confidently answer her, "I made a vote for change. I made the choice that made a difference."

It still blows my mind today how far America has come. I have sat through history classes, I have learned of the past. Who would have ever guessed that this moment would have ever come. So much change. This is not just a matter of race, although I believe this is a huge step towards humanity for America, who started as a slave nation, yet evolved into a country with the first ever African American President. This fact is not to go unnoticed. But also what change! We, for once did not fall into the same old rut. We have just now altered our recent history, which details America's fall from grace. America can now reshape and rebuild our identity. No longer will we shame our forefathers, no longer will we shame ourselves.

Yes it will take sometime, as Obama said in his speech last night: "It may not be able to be done in a year, or in one term." But the point is, he will lay the foundation for the long awaited rehabilitation of the United States of America. He is headed in a new direction. I have hope.

Hello!

2008-10-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

Welcome family, friends, and randoms to my first ever blog!

I was inspired by my sister Molly's blog and thought I should start one myself. Since I am away at college, I figured this was a good time to start one, and a good way for you and myself to keep in touch with my life. I can promise you that I will write on here as often as my college homework will allow. I do hope to update it at least once a week, if not everyday.

My first food for thought is a quote from the movie Adaptation a movie my College writing II class is watching, based on a book we are reading, The Orchid Thief by Susan Orlean.

"Point is, what's so wonderful is that everyone of these flowers has a specific relationship with the insect that pollinates it. There is a certain orchid that looks exactly like a certain insect, so the insect is drawn to this flower, its double, its soul mate, and wants nothing more than to make love to it. And after the insect flies off, spots another soul-mate flower and makes love to it, thus pollinating it. And neither the flower, nor the insect will ever understand the significance of their love making. I mean, how could they know that because of their little dance the world lives? But it does. By simply doing what they're designed to do, something large and magnificent happens. In this sense they show us how to live- how the only barometer you have is your heart. How, when you spot your flower, you can't let anything get in your way."

I had one of those moments, where the words just went from something so simple, to something much larger, much more profound. This line in the movie stopped my breath, I was taken aback. Who could have ever said it better.

Follow your heart, in every aspect. Live the life you love. And when you find your passion, your obsession, whatever it may be, when you find that one thing that consumes your thoughts, that one thing that controls your breathing, your beating heart, and alters your life completely making you forget what your days and nights used to be like, keep it.

You cannot let life get in the way of your life.

God, could this running theme in my life become even more obvious? I have to live my life for me, surround myself with everything I love, and let no obstacles, inhibitions, preconceived notions, or other's plans for me stand in my way.

"The only barometer you have is your heart."

In some cases, your mind just does not suffice.