Tonight I saw the movie The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, and oddly enough, this strangely simple little movie got me to thinking-- Who am I? What do I want in life? Each friend in the movie reminded me of qualities I've always wished to possess, of things I had always hoped to gain by maturing, going to college, experiencing life outside of my comfort zone-- That cool, unique style and confident swagger of a New York City student, that experienced maturity, and eclectic cultured mystery of a well traveled person, that deep rooted sense of self...
Tonight (dare I let the cat out of the bag) I realized, I don't know what I want. I no longer have a clear vision of where my life is headed...only scattered remnants of crazy dreams, and childhood passions...
Life hardly goes as planned. If my life had gone as I had planned back in freshman year of high school I'd still be going out with Mr. J, and be engaged at the ripe old age of 22. I'd be somehow magically well off (I never planned well enough in detail to tell you where this money would be coming from), we'd have a decent sized house, my dream wedding, catered to my every whim, and at last I'd finally have my storybook, Cory and Tapanga, high school sweethearts, once in a lifetime romance. But as I said life hardly goes as planned, people change, sometimes for the better. In this case, it was for the better...
But now I have a much different life, a new love, a new place of dwelling, new goals, new concerns, and new obstacles to face...
But even though I may lose sight of my dreams, I know deep down those are the things that have not changed.
While I was watching the movie, the New York City scenes still sent thrills through my veins. There is something about that place, something in the hustle and bustle that makes me feel like I could be important, like by just simply being there, I'd magically mature and complete my journey to independence. In the movie, one girl spent her summer in Turkey on an archeological dig, and once again I felt the twang of needing to have those educational, cultural, life-altering experiences, where you are thrust into an entirely new way of life, where you are forced to broaden your horizons, to step outside of your comfort zone, where you are a part of something bigger than yourself...you are forced to grow. The scenes in the movie in Greece seized my heart as well, and ignited the once dormant spark...I want to travel to Greece, I want to get married in Greece, heck I could even live in Greece (or at least half live there).
I want to experience those once in a lifetime moments, to give myself those opportunities to find myself...
Right now, as I mentioned earlier, I am watching The Notebook, and I just realized how symbolic The Sisterhood and The Notebook are of my life. They are two aspects that I want in my life...two very important things I need in my life...and I'm not willing to give up either...But I'm scared that one day I'll have to choose between the two...
Love or Life...I want those life experiences, and I want to experience them with the one I love...I don't want to have to choose...but I feel like I'm having to choose already...but what is the good of growing in those "life experiences" when you are bitter inside, alone, without the one you love.
I do not know what I want. I do not know where I will be in a year from now, or five, or ten years from now. But I do know what is important to me.
I will experience those spontaneous moments of being alive. I will experience culture and the world. I will know love and be loved. I will live life with the one I love.
But for now, I will give a "remarkably convincing portrayal of a...girl traveling down a very long road, with no regard for the consequences."
-The Notebook
I don't ever want to stop being that girl with the crazy dreams, that tenacious, passionate, driven, self-assured, confident girl, who just simply knows that her life will work out just because she said so...
P.S. I started a Greece fund. So far there is only $8.36 in it...but I will get there.
2 comments:
I understand the struggle. I still don't quite know where I am going and what I want to be. Thoughts of party planning, cooking, and creature making still flicker in my head, and burn in my heart; and I am at that formerly mentioned ripe old age of 22. But this is the time to do it babe and ask those questions. This is a journey everyone ends up taking, some later than others. There are some people who only start to see this question starring them in the face at 30, or 40. So consider yourself lucky that you are starting now. The one thing I hope for you though, is that you never stop this discovery of yourself. That is the wonderful thing about humans; they never stop experiencing and changing because of it. Even in watching those movies you experienced something, something that has made you question and grow. I hope that you will continue to discover things about yourself and who you are, and never stop that growing process, of knowledge, grace, experience, and love. I know you will find your way through these tangles of questions, and I know there will be many more to come, even at the age of 64. We need to question our existence, it’s a life long journey, and a call that helps us to get out there and keep experiencing life. With out that call you might not have started that Greece fund. However, the one thing I don’t ever want you to forget that you have is love. You should not feel that you’re being asked to forfeit that love for experience. With a kind of love that is strong and unchanging, you never will have to choose. You need to have faith in that. This is not a step back, but a gift.
Be brave, stand tall, and continue to be that strong and intelligent young woman I see every time I look at you. I love you.
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