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Today I woke with fear in my mind, and apathy in my heart. I'm afraid of my present, and my future. I realized today of all the work I have to complete, of the essay I still have to write, and the application I still have to fill out. I realized how apathetic I've been with my school work. And then I realized- what if I fail? What if I don't write a good enough essay? What if I don't apply soon enough? What if I don't get accepted and I can't transfer? What if I fail my classes here? What if I never figure it out?
Wake up call: What if all of this worrying I have been doing has been all for nothing, and I don't have a choice? I stood at the bathroom sink and realized how helpless I feel. I lost control, and the fear took over.
Does all this mean I care? Yes I do, but I have to find a way out of my apathetic heart, and stop being a bystander in my own life.
I need to wake up, rise above my urge to nap, and apply myself, so that whatever the outcome, I can say I tried to control whatever part of my life I am in control of.
I miss the days of being a child, laying in my bed under the soft light glowing off of my four dark walls, as my mom read my favorite book to me. I miss the carefree days of spending hours with my sister doing everything, and nothing at the same time. I miss the hours spent in school with my friends, and the feeling of walking through the doors of my house in the late afternoon, greeted by dogs, by my sister, by my mom and dad. I miss the lazy summer days, soaking up the sun, and wearing nothing on my feet. I miss the times when I had all the time to write in the world, and none of the ambition. I miss those days that seemed to last forever, and would often complain of boredom. I'd trade anything to return to those days, my past, my years spent in the comfort of my home. If I could go back and give myself one piece of advice I'd say, "Hold on. What's the rush? Hold on to these moments, once you leave you can't go back."
I'm mainly confused. I'm partly afraid. I'm a bit apathetic. I'm definitely exhausted. I'm completely nostalgic. I'm so in love. I'm sick of growing older. I'm really homesick. I'm extremely independent. I'm starting anew. I'm two hundred miles away from my support system, but I'm determined to make it through this, even if it is on my own.
This is my battalion of truth...and it is only beginning.
3 comments:
Ah, sweet. Yep. It's the one thing every old-timer wishes young folks would cop on and understand: What is the rush, anyway? You'll never get to be so innocent and carefree again in your life, so what's your hurry? Stay small, stay young, for as long as you can.
Now that you're coming to terms with the fact that life is now transitioning into an adult life, with all the trials and travails of adult life, can I suggest that you should enjoy this time as well. No matter how fought it feels to you now. Enjoy it, because you will in future once again look back at where you are now and think "oh those were the days..." This is a time for experience! It's a time to discover New York! It's a time to take it all a little less seriously while you can! So it's not down to childish things, but it's down to late-teen, early twenties things and they can be just as rewarding in different ways.
And when you're finally through this time and looking back thinking "I'm glad we only have to do that once", you'll find there can be a lot of freedom and sweetness in aging, and in new adventures to be had.
I also suffer from looking at myself at the age you are now and thinking "Good lord, I spent a lot of time doing things half-heartedly... if only I had applied myself."
So, as a confirmed old-timer (or will be when I hit 35 in November), please take my advice and follow your intuition about that apathy you're struggling with. Let go of wishing you were elsewhere, care about where you are now and what you're doing RIGHT NOW and dive in there with arms wide! Do it to the limit! I didn't do that. I was a professional snowboarder but I gave up becoming a better one and left it after 4 years. I had a chance to really delve into theatre and directing in university but I was so preoccupied with... I can't even remember what I was preoccupied with now! All these things I did half-way! I always called myself a Jane of all trades, master of none, and now all I want to be is a master and am realising that all the resources I had at my fingertips 10 years ago would have been a BIIIIIIG help, if only I had woken up, taken my head out of my ass and got on with being where I was and knuckle down!
Ugh...
It's an age-old problem, I'm afraid.
I love you. I am excited about seeing you succeed! Not necessarily in school... that's up to you. But I'm excited about watching you grow through the old stuff and start forging new habits, new paths and new obsessions. I want to see you explore and not be afraid of it. I want to see you find confidence in yourself enough to lead yourself there. I want to see you take flight. (Or get on a plane and come see me... which ever comes first!)
:) Love youuu!! xxox
I love you molly : ) And yes I would like nothing more than to take flight to Ireland, and spend a nice chunk of time discovering life with you over there! Thank you for the advice, and I will heed it to the best of my late-teen ability. I miss you so much!!
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