Why is my life not my intentions?

How did my life get so off track, so far from the way I had intended.  I look back at all the pictures from last year, and stare at myself smiling back, and I just want to be that girl again, the happy one, with hope.  I saw this year being one of the best years at Marist. I finally felt at home, and content, but now everything is screwed up and disheveled.  

I look at the girl who was happy enough before meeting Rob, then I look at the girl who thought she was on her way to the life she had always wanted after meeting Rob.  I am neither of them now.  I wonder, looking at the me who never knew Rob, and think how simple life was, maybe I can just convince myself that I just have to be that girl again.  But I can't be that girl again, because I am the girl who knew Rob, and was inspired, and complete with my best friend by my side.  

Now I'm at Marist, alone, missing the link that made everything feel alright.  

If we are supposed to control our own realities than how did I do this, how did I mess my reality up so bad.  I envisioned a life with him at Marist.  Not without him.  But instead I was given this.  How did I get here?  How do I get out?  Where do I go?  Why did he go? What the hell am I supposed to do now... 

On my mind.

I'm sitting at the Gartland wall overlooking the river in front of Rob's old house Gartland F1, because this is the only place I can feel the sun.  The day before I turned 19 Rob and I got starbucks and came here.  We sat on the wall and resolved our fight from five days earlier.  For the past couple of days I couldn't figure out why I am so drawn to this spot, other than spending most of the last two months of last year  over here with him.  

I remember now what the fight was about.  It was the first time he told me directly how he felt about me and the first time I was forced to acknowledge my own feelings.  We didn't talk for five days, the longest we had ever gone without talking to each other since we met.  But on May 8 2009 he bought me Starbucks and he took me to this wall and we sat and talked and made up.  

I know why I return here more often than our other haunts.  Here is where he came back to me.  Here is where we found out that we were strongly bonded to each other.  No fight, no distance, no obstacles were going to change this.  I come here now to be with him, to find peace.  I want so bad to feel him around me.  I'm sitting here waiting for him to come back to me.

Remembering Our Friend Robert Stone

(I took this picture. It was the last day I got to see him in person, and the first day he has ever seen the white house.)

http://blog.invisiblechildren.com/?p=2868

Invisible Children, with the help of Rob's friend Rebecca, posted this today on their blog in memory of Rob.

We will keep your legacy alive Rob.  We are doing it, everything you imagined

"You're the one whose dreams can be whatever dreams you want, whose dreams can change the way things are, and the way that things are not."

My friend just showed me this children's book.  It hasn't even made it to stores yet because it keep selling out online.  And I must say I can see why : ) It's pretty AWESOME!

Check it out!

http://www.veryawesomeworld.com/

and read it at

http://www.veryawesomeworld.com/awesomebook/inside.html