Tomorrow the weather channel is calling for 6-14 inches of snow. I have a final tomorrow at 10:30, which is not so bad because some people have finals at 1, but at this point I just want to go home. Marist has threatened to postpone finals till saturday. I am not waiting till saturday to go home...no chance! I emailed my professor today asking if I could take it today, but he simply replied, "The final will be at its scheduled time tomorrow. It is not supposed to snow heavily until the afternoon." Which is true, it is not supposed to snow heavily until 3...but it is supposed to start snowing at 6 in the morning. And for your information professor, I have a four hour trip home to Delaware >: O
I am trying to get done with my final by 11:30, get everything packed by 12, and get out of here before the snow really starts to fall. I really hope that none of the finals get canceled, I personally don't want to stay till saturday, and I know no one else wants to stay through saturday.
Besides the weather, I am also stressed about this final. History is proving to be my toughest class. I wish this was not my last final, because with the promise of going home, and my onset of ADD I can't think or focus, and I am stressing out because I can't seem to formulate the answers to the three possible essay questions he gave us. My stress has even begun to affect my cooking skills...
Last night after studying, and freaking out about studying all day and still not knowing anything, I went to make some ramen noodles. I put the noodles in the bowl, and then the seasoning and put it in the microwave for three minutes. Notice any step I might have missed? Yea, me neither...until the microwave started smoking. I opened it up, noticed the noodles were burnt, ran to the windows and threw them open, rushed out of my room into the one down the hall and called for Chanel's assistance. Everyone ran in my room, faning the air, holding a bowl over the fire alarm, trying to prevent a mass exodus out of the building. We succeeded, and it is safe to say I am not public enemy number one. Phew, close call. I could not help but laugh at myself, but I felt like such an idiot, considering the day before I had cooked the same meal and did not forget the water. This stress has taken my mind, and tried to take my room. There were no flames, just a lot of smoke, and when I grabbed the container out of the microwave I noticed that it had burnt a hole through it. Mom, I think I need new tupperware for christmas : ).
Even though my horoscope says, "You're feeling really unprepared for something you have to do today, but your a lot more ready than you think. Deep breath..."
I have a hard time believing it. I hope it is right.
Well I should go study, but I have this weird mix of stress and apathy. My heart is set on going home, and my head is ready to go home, but knows that I still have one final to complete. It does not help that everyone and their freaking mother is done with finals and is home. If I see one more facebook status saying "done finals : )" or "home!" I'm going to flip. My sanity is slipping...
Please pray for a safe trip home for me and my Dad tomorrow, and that I don't completely fail this final. I can't wait to be back home.
2 comments:
Sweet one, I know exactly how you feel. It took me until my 30's to begin to understand how to "be here now" despite any discomfort, and be at peace with the idea that everything is in its right place in it's own time. It would be nice for you to forgive yourself for messing up he ramen. The worst didn't happen. Let it go. You tried what you could to finish early but you haven't been allowed to do that. You have to forgive yourself for not being able to push the schedule forward. And you have to forgive yourself for not being able to defeat the elements by being clever, because that never works... Mother Nature ALWAYS wins. The very last thing you want to do is force your way out of there, when everything is telling you to slow down, and have a more serious accident than the ramen incedent. Maybe a lesson could be that you have to move more slowly, so that you don't forget to make sure everything is ready to go before you leap into action.
So the weather's turning. You can't fight the inevitable. So slow your thoughts, breathe deep, be still for just a moment, and remember that you have to be where you are right now, and just for now and not always, and remember there's a task at hand which you must do before anything else. There's no two ways about it. Home will always be there. Always. Home will welcome you when you arrive.
And then smile, sweet one, all you have to do is smile because you are so loved, and you'll find things will get easier if you let yourself believe that you are. That love isn't about bucking the system to get your way, it's about strengthening yourself from within so that you can conquer all of the inevitable things that we must do as part of every day life on Earth, and conquer it fully.
Go do resoundingly well on that final. I know you can. Make yourself earn the right to go home. You'll love yourself for it. I know from experience that I don't enjoy memories of casting off opportunities to shine in my work due to haste and impatience. I was always guilty of wanting to be anywhere but here. I'm not now. I don't experience homesickness anymore.
I love you. I wish I could come see you.
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