I just had my last class today, which is probably why I'm finally getting back to blogging. Sorry for the lack of updates. This semester has been crazy-- a whirlwind of emotions, work, new and old. In a nutshell the beginning of this semester was tough, coming back to the absence of my dear friend that passed away in november, and also getting used to my two friends leaving to the same place that took him. For the first month I balanced classes, work and visits to the guidance counselor, then in February, ironically, I met someone who took my mind off of what I lost. Yep, I'm back in the saddle again. I suppose I never go to long being single. Then somehow between Comm. classes, drawing, friends, boyfriend, eating a lot and never sleeping, the months got ahead of me, and here we are, at the end. I would like to share with you what the final products of where I am and what I am left with at the end:
First off, these three new goofy girls moved into Tahara and my life and made this semester better than I expected, creating many laughs and memories along the way:
They taught me to leave an open mind and an open heart. Not all change will destroy your life. Change can expand your world for the better and force you to grow.
Secondly, life will not leave you broken and wasted. Joy will re-enter, and while you may never get back what you lost, you will find someone who will resemble the good you thought disappeared, and will mend your old wounds:
Academically, I learned that my Comm. classes left me wanting; Grammar, Style and Editing was the best class I've ever taken in my life; whatever artistic talent I have is genetic; the history of photography is amazing, and I give up entirely on ever being fluent in espanol.
Here are some achievements from this year:
First Grammar, Style and Editing:
(Here is one of the style pieces where we had to rant and employ the style elements: Echo salience, It Cleft, What Cleft, Chiasmus, Of+Heavy Word and Antithesis. I passed with flying colors-- my professors comment: "Wow! What a piece! Powerful. Beautiful. An interesting and gripping read.")
It's still as beautiful as the day it spawns and nothing can take that from us. Except death, which stripped everything from me-- my happiness, warmth, security, trust, sanity, routine-- you left me barren, alone and drowning in the wake of your wrath. Was life too perfect before you entered and made me take notice, whipping and wringing every drop of beauty out of me?
You did not just strip the soul from his body, but you proceeded to slit the throat of my love. You just shrugged it off, counting it as just another casualty caught in the ripple effect of the inevitable. No one gets out alive, right? It is the naivete of man to think death grants exemptions. But come on, death did not have to find me twice in two weeks.
You took Rob and then got greedy. You happily watched every vengeful thrust stab me in the back and smother innocent love in one inebriated motion. What gave you away was the residue of her lip-gloss on his cheating ass. I knew you had something to do with her tainted touch that crumbled the sturdy pillar love built. You left me with death of life and death of love.
I know I cannot just blame you though. Death cannot influence the free will of humans nor account for a human's stupid mistake. But that does not mean I let you off the hook. I may blame and hate the unfaithful, heartless scum that abandoned me two hundred miles away to escape from his jealousy between her fresh warm legs, but I blame and hate you even more for causing it. I breathed sorrow for months because of you and choked on the self-pity that seeps from a crushed spirit, but now I exhale you and suck life back in.
You cannot extinguish my memories or my strength. I continue to grow and adapt in spite of you. The power of death cannot exist without the vulnerability of life. Let's face it sucker, you need me.
I conquered you four times before, and although recovery from this double blow slowly progresses, you make no lasting impression. I will write you out of my life until I complete catharsis. But damn you for every constant reminder of the best friend you stole. You tripped him down the stairs, and cheated the world of one of the few men of substance. You cheated me from: our late night walks and intellectual conversation, Starbucks dates and free Mac and Cheese, unconditional love and intimacy not cheapened by false physical intimacy. You cheated the world from: an unselfish and passionate young man, change to better the world and the compassion with which to do so, agape and peace. What did the world stand to gain from losing him? I will never forgive you, but I will live for him.
Basic Drawing:
(Here are some drawings I did this year)
(Charcoal & White Pastel)
(Charcoal & White Pastel)
(Charcoal & White Pastel)
(Charcoal & White Pastel- 2nd attempt at eggs)
(Charcoal- 1st attempt at eggs)
(Charcoal- unfinished)
(Pencil)
(Charcoal)
(Thumbnails)
(final product- pencil, perspective)
(Pencil)
(Thumbnails)
(Pencil)
(Pencil & Charcoal)
(Pencil- Final)
I have grown from this year-- I am stronger, wiser, aged, more hopeful, and happier than I thought I would be.
and looking back to where I thought I'd be at the beginning of sophomore year, and in comparison to where I stand, I can't help but be reminded of this quote:
"To know that you don't know is the first sign of wisdom."
-Socrates
Expect the unexpected-- That is life.
