I found Happyness

Check out this blog..

http://fuckyeahhappy.tumblr.com/

My prescription: Take a day to go and read through all of it. Then wake up every day after that to see what new posts come. It is nothing but happyness, enlightenment, and warm fuzzy feelings : )

This is a no brainer!

Why is my life not my intentions?

How did my life get so off track, so far from the way I had intended.  I look back at all the pictures from last year, and stare at myself smiling back, and I just want to be that girl again, the happy one, with hope.  I saw this year being one of the best years at Marist. I finally felt at home, and content, but now everything is screwed up and disheveled.  

I look at the girl who was happy enough before meeting Rob, then I look at the girl who thought she was on her way to the life she had always wanted after meeting Rob.  I am neither of them now.  I wonder, looking at the me who never knew Rob, and think how simple life was, maybe I can just convince myself that I just have to be that girl again.  But I can't be that girl again, because I am the girl who knew Rob, and was inspired, and complete with my best friend by my side.  

Now I'm at Marist, alone, missing the link that made everything feel alright.  

If we are supposed to control our own realities than how did I do this, how did I mess my reality up so bad.  I envisioned a life with him at Marist.  Not without him.  But instead I was given this.  How did I get here?  How do I get out?  Where do I go?  Why did he go? What the hell am I supposed to do now... 

On my mind.

I'm sitting at the Gartland wall overlooking the river in front of Rob's old house Gartland F1, because this is the only place I can feel the sun.  The day before I turned 19 Rob and I got starbucks and came here.  We sat on the wall and resolved our fight from five days earlier.  For the past couple of days I couldn't figure out why I am so drawn to this spot, other than spending most of the last two months of last year  over here with him.  

I remember now what the fight was about.  It was the first time he told me directly how he felt about me and the first time I was forced to acknowledge my own feelings.  We didn't talk for five days, the longest we had ever gone without talking to each other since we met.  But on May 8 2009 he bought me Starbucks and he took me to this wall and we sat and talked and made up.  

I know why I return here more often than our other haunts.  Here is where he came back to me.  Here is where we found out that we were strongly bonded to each other.  No fight, no distance, no obstacles were going to change this.  I come here now to be with him, to find peace.  I want so bad to feel him around me.  I'm sitting here waiting for him to come back to me.

Remembering Our Friend Robert Stone

(I took this picture. It was the last day I got to see him in person, and the first day he has ever seen the white house.)

http://blog.invisiblechildren.com/?p=2868

Invisible Children, with the help of Rob's friend Rebecca, posted this today on their blog in memory of Rob.

We will keep your legacy alive Rob.  We are doing it, everything you imagined

"You're the one whose dreams can be whatever dreams you want, whose dreams can change the way things are, and the way that things are not."

My friend just showed me this children's book.  It hasn't even made it to stores yet because it keep selling out online.  And I must say I can see why : ) It's pretty AWESOME!

Check it out!

http://www.veryawesomeworld.com/

and read it at

http://www.veryawesomeworld.com/awesomebook/inside.html

Sophomore Year So Far...

I feel like I've been through the whirlwind of a year in the span of a month.  I'm busier than ever-- enrolled in five classes, Research Strategies and Methods, Topics in Biology, Communication and Society, Creative Writing, and Civil Rights Movement. I am a part of Badminton Intramural which I get payed to score the matches, and get priority points to play. I'm still a part of the Dance Club through which I am taking two Hip Hop classes. I'm a member of the Resident Student Council, and also a new praxivist (aka I am part of the public praxis club on campus that works on humanitarian projects). I continue to copy edit for Marist's newspaper The Circle, and am a tentative member of the Booster Club.  Oh did I mention I am officially moving ahead with my plans to begin an Invisible Children Club on campus with the help of my friend Courtney? Yea.  Busy, busy year.  But don't worry mom and dad, I have received my grades so far from my classes and they are all A's and even one A+.  

On top of all the things I have started or accomplished in the duration of a month, I have also met with my advisor and have officially been approved for my double minor in creative writing and photography.  It shouldn't be too bad, I just have to have one semester of 16 credits, and one of 18 credits.  To make things even more hectic I am thinking of adding in study abroad to Greece.  

I have been loving every minute of this year though.  Despite however much I dread Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  

Things are going smoothly in Midrise 407.  My suite mates are a great surrogate family, and we have a few fall activities planned-- Apple picking, hopefully this weekend, the opening ceremony of the new Hudson river walking bridge (the highest and longest walking bridge in the world), pumpkin picking and carving, visiting UConn, haunted house, movies etc.

I'm playing a little hooky tomorrow evening though.  Rachel, Courtney and I are traveling to Toads Place in Connecticut to hear Copeland, Barcelona, and Relient K play.  We can't always be over achievers all the time : P.

I'm running full steam ahead. Hopefully the engine won't run out of fuel.  Everyday I wake up the reminder on my wall stares me in the face-- "You never stop growing and advancing because you won't let yourself."

Classic

Hállo,

I know it's been awhile, and I promise I will update you and try my best to keep a continuous blog now that I am back at Marist, but I felt that this just could not wait.  So here precedes my introductory entry, the most beautiful composition of music that I have heard, that has made me feel in a long time, all without the emotion of a single word.

http://vimeo.com/6045312

The composer, Ólafur Arnalds is a neo-classical composer from iceland who embarked on a project in April 2009, 7 songs in 7 days, which he compiled into an album, 'Found Songs'

Check it out on http://store.erasedtapes.com/main.aspx?gopage=eratp17&x=17

You can buy 'Found Songs' on itunes.

I will right soon.

Love and Peace,

Elora

"You never stop growing and advancing because you won't let yourself"...Nope I won't, and I hope that's enough.

Tonight the words won't come from me, but none the less they were exactly what I needed to hear, what anyone would need to hear. (and a little soundtrack to go along: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLNyVLbqdEg&NR=1)

"You are completely capable. Of all the people I have known, you are still the one that never stops amazing me. You never stop growing and advancing because you wont let yourself. I know you can do anything you put your mind to because I know you better than most people. I’ve seen your determination and passion for things you want to accomplish. You have so many qualities that so few people actually possess these days. I am so confident in your ability to accomplish anything your heart desires, but that doesn’t change anything. As confident as I am in you, you're the one who needs the confidence in your self. You’re more capable of achieving great things and you have such a selfless, full commitment of self, to anything that attracts your heart. I see that in how passionate you are about IC, passion for your friends and family, your work and activities, and even our relationship. You never stop giving yourself and pushing to make the things and people around you better. And no matter how much I say about how wonderful and perfect you are, I know that everything comes down to that self-confidence. You have all the tools and the spirit to do great things but I feel like sometimes you don’t think they are enough. Honestly, a lot of times I am more confident in you than in myself. I wish I could be as capable and selfless as you. And when I think about where you might be in ten years, I cant come up with a single, solid idea of what you will be doing. Not because you can't go where you want to go, but because there are so many possibilities for a person like you. Time and patience is all you need for now because you have everything else you need, and don’t lose sleep over these things. You’ll need all the rest you can get when you're taking on the world, babe."

Thank you Kory. I needed that : )  Now I can sleep.

My last post as freshman at Marist

So this is my last blog as a freshman.  I'm packing to go home.  I remember nine months ago I never thought this day would come.  I never thought I'd be coming back next year, I had no clue where I was going.  I never knew I'd grow so much.  I can't wait to go home for summer, and spend time with my family, but I am going to miss Sheahan hall, rooming with Chanel, seeing my crazy neighbors and friends just down the hall, and everything about this campus.  I can't wait for my next three years here, I can't wait to see how else I grow.  It's safe to say I have two homes now, and who would have ever known I could make one on my own.

In the words of The Colorful Quiet, "I was never sure in the way my life would go, like many times before it was all that I would know.  I can't really tell you. What would happen if I tried? To admit to myself that a part of me has died."

but a necessary part.

And me, I think I'm getting there.

Jump First. Fear Later.

All year, I have been stressing over where my life is going to take me.  I worried about what would make me happiest.  I worried about life, and the fear of living one away from the life I had always known.  But I no longer am worrying, because my life is no longer about me.  

I have changed so much this year.  I remember talking to my sister at the beginning of this year, and she told me, "Elora, you will change.  And so will your friends." I laughed and said I was not going to change.  I was wrong.  

At the beginning of this year, I felt like going to Marist was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, and all I wanted was to go back to the life I used to have.  But now I can't help but ask myself, how could I ever go back, when my life is moving in the direction it was always meant to.  

So as you may have deduced by now, I have decided to stay.  My long, tiresome, lonely journey through the shadows and valleys of my heart is finally over.  And I feel so relieved.  

Today I finally finished my last speech in my class, so I decided to put on a little TV and relax.  I flipped around and found E! news.  I used to watch this religiously, but for some reason today I couldn't bear it.  I was just about to flip the channel when I heard that they were having a story on the Rescue.  (In case you have not been reading my previous blogs, or don't know me, the Rescue is Invisible Children's event to rescue the 3,000 abducted child soldiers in Northern Uganda, by asking people to gather in cities all over the world and abduct themselves in solidarity to rescue the children.)  I waited in painful agony as stories about "Were the Jonas brothers single? Did Lauren Conrad really make out with a dog? Is Anne Hathaway going to be on dancing with the stars?" filtered across the screen.  Finally the segment on IC came on.  

I can't believe I used to watch this show.  How can anyone really care about that crap!  The world is run by celebrity.  We live, breathe, and hang on their every move and word.  It is driving me crazy! I can't believe I used to care.

This year I've pitied myself.  I've felt so unhappy for so long, but maybe that was just because I cared and worried about all the wrong things.  It was not until recently, when Invisible Children came back into my life, that I stopped concerning myself with myself, and realized what makes me feel fulfilled, and happiest, and what I care about.  

So I am going to stay.  I have great opportunities on the horizon for me here, and I cannot wait to see where everything takes me.  I will no longer worry. I will jump first, and fear later.

Oh, and Chicago was finally rescued by Oprah today.  Watch her show at 4.

Your Beauty is Breathtaking

I just want to take a moment from my homework to share this beautiful sight in front of me.

Here I sit, in the silent calm of the library, in a comfy chair, listening to music, and typing away for my public speaking class.  My feet are resting on the window sill of the floor to ceiling windows that let in the most beautiful view I have ever seen.  How lucky I am to see such beauty every single day. I can't help but wish I was able to share this beautiful, peaceful moment with someone I love.  This spot, in the corner of the library, on the third floor, in this comfy chair, with laptop in hand, and the beautiful Marist campus stretched out before me is one of my favorite places on campus.

Now I will return to my homework, and enjoy watching the sunset over the hudson.

Abduct Yourself!

On April 25th, Invisible Children is asking everyone to go and be a part of the Rescue.  Invisible Children is a non-profit organization dedicated to rescuing the abducted children of Northern Uganda from Joseph Kony's rebel army, the LRA.  These innocent children are taken in the middle of the night, and are forced to fight in a twenty-three year long war.  Please, watch this video, sign up for the Rescue, and be the change you want to see in the world.  Three-thousand children remain un-rescued, and hundreds are abducted by the minute. Help Invisible Children reach their goal of Peace in Uganda.  There are many places in the world where the Rescue is taking place, from Ireland (cough cough molly) to many cities in the United States, so please do your part.

http://therescue.invisiblechildren.com/en/#/watch/

Multi-Sensory Aesthetic Experience

In a small room glowing with christmas lights, and cluttered with bodies, and vintage knick knacks, mae begins to play.  They do not disappoint. 

This weekend was one I will remember forever, for many reasons.  

On friday, Rachel, Courtney and I left the dorms with nothing but our luggage, a three pound bag of gummi bears, and the hopes of hanging out with Mae.  We were told by our friend Matt to take a candle to Mae, and drop his name, and that we were guaranteed to hang out with them.  We were thrilled, and could not wait.  We bought a candle, decorated it, and bought a card because it was dave's (the lead singer) birthday the day before.

         

Courtney Seto and her gummies      The candle we bought (it smelled like apple)

 

  (yea no explanation needed)

We arrived in Waterbury CT around 3:30.  Her mom had ordered us pizza, which has to be the most delicious pizza I have ever had.  We talked with her mom, grandma, and sister.  I felt comfort, it was nice to be at a home, even if it wasn't mine.  

We ate, got ready, and hoped in Rachel's explorer, Ponce De Leon, and drove to The Space.  It was a pretty easy drive, except for that dreaded servoss street.  Google maps said it would be two miles down the road, but it happened to be five.  After a few turn arounds we finally found servoss street, and were even closer to our destination.  We arrived at The Space, and ran inside, away from the rain.  Oh yea and don't worry, the three pound gummi bears came with us...everywhere.

The Space had so much charm, but it was crowded with teeny boppers.  We tried to ignore that fact.  There were three bands that played before Mae.  The first was tired and true.  They were good. Typical local band, but they had the hottest, shortest drummer I have ever seen.  Next was The Ghost Sonata.  Very unique sound, amazing singer, I really enjoyed them, but they are way better in person than on their myspace.  Then Forget Paris came on.  They are really catchy and good.  I like, especially the eye candy of a lead singer.  Sorry Kory.  

Tired and True     The aforementioned drummer

The Ghost Sonata

 

Forget Paris

Then, finally the moment we all were waiting for, Mae took the stage.  I was literally one person away from Dave.  They were amazing, just as good if not better in person.  They played an amazing set.  A good mix of old and new.  They opened with their new song, "the house that fire built," which is basically their mission statement for their new project- 12 songs. 12 months. 1 goal. Make a difference.- in which they are raising money by releasing a new song every month which can be downloaded for one dollar.  Every dollar made will go straight to their fund to build a house for habitat for humanity.  

But what more can I really say.  I wish you all were there.  I'm going to shut up now, and let you listen to some videos (their not much for the eye, but they are nice on the ears, and good for the soul.)

 

 After the show we gave the candle to dave.  He seemed confused at first but then it clicked.  He got side tracked with some fans, we waited patiently, and after most of the place cleared out we got to talk to them.  We took some pictures with mae, oh and rob from tokyo (which is also an amazing band!)

Jacob- drummer from Mae Zack- guitarist from Mae

Dave- lead singer and guitarist of Mae 

oh and rob from Tokyo, who accompanied Mae on the piano.

We left a little bummed that we didn't get to eat dinner with them, but excited that we got to see them, and talk to them in person.  I mean how many chances does anyone have to meet and talk face to face with as big a band as Mae, let alone see them in such an intimate venue.  It was an amazing weekend.  

"Did you know how you would move us, did you know? When the lights first came upon us, and we saw the everglow, and the moments magic swept us away."

-Mae

Oh and guess what? I get to play on the same stage as Mae on june 11!  I'll keep you posted.

Useless progress

www.graphicpoetry.com

What my frustration boils down to:

connections

dreams

musicians

differences

school

I don't know why I'm letting it bother me. You meet amazing people in your life, and then try to pursue a connection. But for some unknown x factor, the connection is not taken to the next level, even though all compatibility points towards "go."  

Whether it be age difference, status difference, lack or proximity, or bad timing, things just don't work out.  

It has always frustrated me to no end...when you know you could be such great friends, such good companions with one person, but for some reason the other person just doesn't see it.  

I find it ironic and intrinsically sad.

How unfortunate it is that you will cross paths with people in your life, that you could have been really close with...but you won't, and your life will never be how you dreamed it could be, and who will ever know what your life could have been.

I'm afraid I'm only making useless progress.

but I'm fighting to move forward...I just don't want my doubts to stand in the way of my dreams.

Big Brother Is Watching Us

www.aclu.org/pizza/

Scary.  Let's hope Obama does not let this happen.

The Fear of apathy, the Love of everything else

www.graphicpoetry.com

Today I woke with fear in my mind, and apathy in my heart.  I'm afraid of my present, and my future.  I realized today of all the work I have to complete, of the essay I still have to write, and the application I still have to fill out.  I realized how apathetic I've been with my school work. And then I realized- what if I fail?  What if I don't write a good enough essay? What if I don't apply soon enough? What if I don't get accepted and I can't transfer?  What if I fail my classes here? What if I never figure it out?

Wake up call: What if all of this worrying I have been doing has been all for nothing, and I don't have a choice?  I stood at the bathroom sink and realized how helpless I feel.  I lost control, and the fear took over.

Does all this mean I care? Yes I do, but I have to find a way out of my apathetic heart, and stop being a bystander in my own life.

I need to wake up, rise above my urge to nap, and apply myself, so that whatever the outcome, I can say I tried to control whatever part of my life I am in control of.

I miss the days of being a child, laying in my bed under the soft light glowing off of my four dark walls, as my mom read my favorite book to me.  I miss the carefree days of spending hours with my sister doing everything, and nothing at the same time.  I miss the hours spent in school with my friends, and the feeling of walking through the doors of my house in the late afternoon, greeted by dogs, by my sister, by my mom and dad.  I miss the lazy summer days, soaking up the sun, and wearing nothing on my feet.  I miss the times when I had all the time to write in the world, and none of the ambition.  I miss those days that seemed to last forever, and would often complain of boredom.  I'd trade anything to return to those days, my past, my years spent in the comfort of my home.  If I could go back and give myself one piece of advice I'd say, "Hold on. What's the rush? Hold on to these moments, once you leave you can't go back."

I'm mainly confused.  I'm partly afraid.  I'm a bit apathetic.  I'm definitely exhausted.  I'm completely nostalgic.  I'm so in love.  I'm sick of growing older.  I'm really homesick.  I'm extremely independent.  I'm starting anew.  I'm two hundred miles away from my support system, but I'm determined to make it through this, even if it is on my own.

This is my battalion of truth...and it is only beginning.

“It couldn't have happened anywhere but in little old New York.”

This past weekend I went with my friend Rachel to New York City.  We met up with her friend Courtney who goes to Fordham in Brooklyn.

I took my first train ride into the city! I honestly don't know why I was so excited but hey now I can say I've traveled by train.  The scenery on the ride was so beautiful, but it was hard to stay awake, one- because I went to bed at four in the morning the night before, and two- because the smooth motion of the train lulled me to sleep.  Here is the pretty view from the train, and Rachel passed out next to me:     

             

We got to grand central and I of course immediately began taking pictures like an obnoxious tourist: 

We pretty much spent the day doing nothing, but that's the best part of New York City, you could spend all day there, do nothing, and never be bored.  

Only in new york city can you go into the subway and have your ears harassed by the sounds of an electric violinist covering britney spears's "Oops I did it again."  Only in New York City can you go to the Met and get in for free, and then get hit on by a middle-aged security guard.  Only in New York City can you see pre-teens obliterated off their asses in grand central station. Only in New York City can a girl survive on fifteen dollars. Only in New York City can you see all races, all social statuses, all ages thriving and surviving as one.  

"The present in New York is so powerful that the past is lost."

Thought:

"Realizing that you have your own problems and issues that only you can solve is half the battle- the other half is being able to have the mental, physical, and emotional will power to change what you need to change to feel good about yourself."

So, I'm back.

Well, I'm back at Marist.  There's about a foot of snow on the ground.  This is a picture from outside of my window.  (Dad is always telling me I need to add pictures.)  I'm slowly falling back into the swing of things, but everything still feels foreign. Everything looked different, when I moved back into my dorm, the halls and rooms looked bigger and whiter.  Who knows maybe they repainted or maybe it's just because I haven't been here in a month.

Classes began today.  I woke up at 6:50, got out of bed at 6:51.  It wasn't too bad.  After I brushed my teeth I was pretty much awake.  I always love that feeling of waking up early, dawn just breaking on the horizon, the still silence, the feeling that you are waking up before the whole world.  I feel more productive waking up early.  For one, I associate waking up at the crack of dawn with competing in feises, jet setting off on some important trip, or taking a big important test, so at that early hour I always feel special like I'm getting up to do something really important.  Secondly, I have the whole day ahead of me.  The day seems so much longer, because I am awake hours before I normally would be, which could be a double-edged sword for me. It could make this semester less stressful and a lot more productive, but it could also make the days seem a lot slower, and the semester a lot longer. 

My first class of the semester was a core requirement for my communications major: The art of public speaking.  Going into this class I was as nervous as if I was a little school girl (I know ironic because I am, but this isn't my first semester anymore.)  My roommate had the same class last semester.  The professor was always such a bitch to her (excuse my language).  So needless to say I was a little scared, I don't deal well with mean comments.  After meeting him I can say that he seems nice, but at the same time is probably an asshole.  I don't think he means to be, but he is just one of those guys who probably does not have any children, so his criticisms come off a bit crass.  But I do believe that he means for us to do well, and will work with us to help us achieve the grade we deserve.  Luckily for me the class is small.  I would say around twelve all together.  After he went over the syllabus, he had us pair up, and get to know our partner, then give a one minute speech on our classmate.  I did it without stuttering.  I can now check off my first time speaking in class. Task complete.  Now I just have to give four or five more speeches.  But since the class is small I'm hoping we'll all get to know each other soon, feel comfortable around one another.  I got out of class around nine.  Walked outside, was greeted by a big phallic symbol drawn in the snow, walked back to my dorm, ran into Chanel and went to grab a little breakfast.  Came back, watched the inauguration, went to lunch, studied a little for my History final that I have tomorrow, and read a little of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell.  But now it is nearing that magical witching hour...5.  I have to run to class, I will continue this blog when I get back.  Trust me I have much more deeper things to write about when I return.  

  

Oh La, We've got a lot to learn from each other we have got to stick together

It's funny, we make all these elaborate plans for our lives, and spend thousands of dollars attending colleges that promise to make our dreams reality.  We sacrifice for our career, and later sacrifice for love, all in the name of our future.  As we struggle to control our destiny, and grasp more and more at these picture perfect plans, and mold our present so that it will form into our future, we wind up reaching the future wanting entirely different things. It is this never ending "future self" that we work so hard towards, but what we forget to take into account is that on the journey to our "future self," who we are is picking up new pieces to our identity.  You cannot plan who future "you" is going to be, when every moment leading to that future destination is a new moment of discovery, and you are not the same person you were a moment ago.

It's eye opening, while searching for and applying to colleges I thought I needed that top 10 Princeton review, the college that promised success.  If I was going to be big, I had to go to a big place.  Ordinary was never in the cards for me, I had to shoot for excellence.  Now being at college I found that excellent is nice, but not when I am paying for the nametag.  In ten years it won't matter what the name of the college was, but what I did there, and how I grew.  You see, I confused these things.  The name of the college, or where it is, does not make or break your future.  It is YOU who opens up the opportunities that you desire for yourself.  You create your life.  

It's ironic, many of the people I know who are about to graduate, or have long since graduated, had that elaborate plan, but where they thought they were going to be five or ten years ago is not where they are now.  You can start out wanting to be the big animator in Hollywood, but find just as you are about to graduate, that the four years you spent devoting your life to this field is not what you want at all, you'd rather just plan parties and bake.  Or you could stay local, but yearn for the big city, later settle for being a teacher when your New York City dreams fall short, then find love, contemplate sacrificing your happiness and career for your husband, find out your husband is a cheating, sex-addicted bag of scum, and wind up where you always belonged, doing what you've always loved.  Funny isn't it?  How regardless of our plans, life will go how it is supposed to.

It seems sometimes all of these plans just clog up the works.  The more we plan, the more we find ourselves deviating from the plan.  What is the sense in stressing out about the future and the plans that we have when everyday is leading us in a new direction.  OUR plan just gets in the way of THE plan.  Why plan when you will end up where you are supposed to be regardless of our best human attempts to thwart it.

I love the college I am attending.  It suits me.  But even though I am happy, I am not complete.  I had plans.  To get out of this town, to go spread my wings, take the world by storm, be a successful fashion magazine editor, run with the fashionable, and discover the world.  I found love.  In the middle of my plan, a guy stepped into my life at the most inopportune moment-- or was it?  I went away to college.  I left my town, went to that prestigious college, with the pricey nametag, and took those first steps towards achieving my plan.  But is this the ultimate route?  Just because it's the only one I've seen for years does not mean it is.  I'm taking my blinders off.  We all have blinders on when we reach for the "dream" future.  The blinders that cause us to sacrifice happiness for "success," that delay our real destiny.  These blinders are starting to fall off, and I can see all of the possible pathways I can take that will all lead me to my future.

I see now that it might be more beneficial for me to deviate from my stubbornly laid plan.  maybe my next plan will be to stop planning, and just follow.

Why pay thousands of dollars for an education in a field that you will most likely, not wind up pursuing?  Why sacrifice love, family, happiness for the name and prestige, when everything you ever need to succeed is inside of you.

I have learned so much this year, and I know that I would not have found any of this out if I did not go away to Marist.

Everything in my life I realize now is perfect.  Every single thing I have done, all of the choices I made lead me to exactly where I am.  Everyone I've met has taught me everything I know now.  Every  situation I've been in has contributed to the person I am becoming.  Where I was, in my small town, forced me to leap outside of the walls and find that I can make it on my own.  Where I am has taught me that I am independent, but has also made me realize that what I wanted to get away from is exactly what I need.  Plans for careers, plans for love, plans for the future, they all change, but family, and the friends who are like family are a definite.

None of these things I would have learned without the people around me.  Everyone in my life, from my family, to my friends in Delaware, to my friends at Marist, is so vital to who I am as a person, who I am becoming, and who I am meant to be.

It's the people that will matter years from now, not the place.

I am not saying I am giving up on my dream to get out of this town, to go spread my wings, take the world by storm, be a successful fashion magazine editor, run with the fashionable, and discover the world, I am just saying maybe there is an easier way, a way I'd be happier.  I'm starting to see a new path that does not cost thousands of dollars, that does not cost my happiness, and that most importantly in the end does not cost my dreams.

As my good friend keeps reminding me, "It doesn't matter where you go.  You will make the opportunities for yourself regardless of where you are."

Oh it's a funny thing.  We've got a lot to learn from each other.  I'm absorbing all that the people around me have to teach me, and I'm ready to keep learning.

New?

The New Year.  Funny term -- New.  If you think about it, nothing is really new in the New Year.  All of the old, good and bad, just trickles into the next morning, after the ball drops.  Nope, after 2008 turned into 2009 I did not magically revert back into a new born, I was still me, an eighteen year old with a lot of dreams, and few answers; the country still remained its old, used, bankrupt model.  Yep, everything around me was just as it was, the earth was still the earth, my house was still my house, my family was still my family, my life was still my life, with the same memories, the same bruises, the same battle scars, and the same successes.  

When the clock struck twelve, everything in my life did not suddenly upgrade to a new, shiny, perfect, spotless model, everything was just as it was, the same life that I had created for myself, year after year, countdown after countdown, "new" year after "new" year.  2008 piled on top of 2007, and so on and so on.  New is not exactly what I would call the year, as it evokes a more physical image in my mind.  "New" is meant to be a mental reassurance for us humans, but physically, the term "new" is a far fetched fairy tale.  So this year I grounded myself, let go of the fairy tales, and dealt with reality-- New Years Eve is never the magical revelation, or epiphanic moment we idealize, and the New Year is just a new date,  and regardless of the year, your life is still your life.

But today, New Years Day, began and ended with great strides towards resolution and great hope for the rest of the coming "New" Years.  I am taking this year of opportunity to put forth the change I want to see in my life, and to create myself, not into a new person, but into an older, wiser, more self-assured, more driven, and more comfortable me. (Who wants to be new? I'd have to make the same mistakes all over again, and re-learn all of the lessons I already know.) 

You see my problem with "New" is that it suggests that the slate is wiped clean.  It is a new year, but it is not a new world.  Personally, and nationally, we are still the same, with the same opportunities for growth, for resolution, for change...and the earth is lucky enough to be given another year in which to do so.